Healing can be challenging sometimes for myself. I find it is sometimes very hard to overcome an emotion. Grief, I know I am not the only one who is grieving. How do you know what stage you are at in the grieving circle?

There are 7 stages of grieving: Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance and Hope, Processing grief. I could sit here and explain each stage but I am not going to do that. All I know is that this grieving I am going through is the most difficult thing I have ever had to go through.

I have grieved before but never to the amount that I have now with my son, who is in the arms of the angels. I am still learning how to live a good life during all of this. I still make mistakes because that happens.

For myself I find that I don’t want to cry even though thats what I need. I need to cry and work through the emotions but I would prefer to smoke marijuana, or drink the thoughts away. I was sober for well over a month and I recently had some drinks for the past 2 days.

I think I am having a hard time accepting what has happened and I am searching everywhere else and expecting everyone else to take my pain away. When I know that I have to work through all of it on my own in a sense. I still reach out but I can’t expect anyone to take my pain away. Which unfortunately I do this.

I want to go to groups, aa meetings but I am alone and I am terrified to do it all alone. Being an adult is hard sometimes. Making decisions are hard sometimes. Even with every post I sometimes find myself overthinking them, or feeling like it is a waste of time. Even though I know it helps me emotionally.

I Regret making the decision that I did to abort my son. He deserved a good life and I took that from him. I also took from myself. So my grieving over my son has taken a toll on this brain of mine and I am still trying to work through it every moment of everyday. It is tiring to do alone. In the end of it all, it is just me and my brain that needs to heal. That has been hard to accept, it is still a struggle for me to accept it all. I know I will get there in time.

So with that being said. If you are grieving any loss, you are not alone even if you feel like it. Your alone but not alone because there are supports out here in this world. Just need to toughen up and reach out which I find is the hardest part. I am proud of myself for taking the steps toward good healing. Yes I still make mistakes but we all do. It is all about learning. Having the knowledge of myself and taking action to create a better mental state for ourselves. That my rant. lol

Stay Shining

My week has been such a good week. It also has taught me many things about myself. I distanced myself from writing and my home in general. I stayed with my family for these last 7 days. Going home to sleep once or twice.

I find myself not liking to be completely by myself. I always want and have wanted to be surrounded by my family. This is going back to the beginning of my childhood that I can remember. I have a huge attatchment to the past and how good it was when I was surrounded by family.

My family doesn’t have get togethers anymore due to family drama. Or I should say Family Trauma. As I am sure it is the same for many others. It is sad how things change negetively. Maybe it’s all for good reasons but I am still confused on a huge part of it.

It seems as if it all started falling apart after a certain death in my family. Although I cannot remember which family member it was that departed but I do have a good idea. Rest in Peace to my family members who are no longer with us today. I miss them all so dearly.

For me, I would change a few things if I could but for the goodness of it all, I wouldn’t change a thing. Also, I don’t have a choice but to accept the things from my past.

I do miss my childhood very much and I feel a lot of what I am going through has to deal with the Traumatizing parts of it. So I am constantly trying to switch whatever negative thought that is in my mind to a more positive aspect.

So despite my family being broken since I can remember, I am Happy that I am still here, alive, and doing well. I am happy that I get to see them through pictures shared on Facebook. I feel that has been the way for a long while now.

Family Trauma is a big part of everyones lives, or for a majority of us all. It’s trying to Breakthrough that trauma and heal from it all. Thats the difficult part. I do wish I had more positive support from certain people but unfortunately that is out of my hands. I do still Love them, no matter the heartache I have gained from them, I do ask for forgiveness for any heart ache I have caused. I do Forgive them because in my life I don’t ever wanted to be seperated from my family even though it has already happened.

It’s okay though because we all get older and eventually do seperate to live our lives. I am still learning this thing called life, just as everyone else is too. Trying to look at the brighter picture of things.

Stay Shining

I am happy to say that even though I have been through as much as I have, I have gained back my self control. I still have days I am off but thats normal for each individual. I used to judge myself in such a negative way. It was all the time. I find that when I switch that thought to a positive as quickly as I can then I am not so upset. Or if I talk about the feeling with someone.

I used to think I was all alone. I am but not entirely. I have come to a realization that in order for my Mental Health to be at a good spot, I need to put myself first. I do have children and when I gave them to their father full-time, thats when everything changed in my mind.

I slowly was isolating myself and pushing others away. I honestly didn’t want to feel the way I was feeling, think the way I was thinking, I didn’t want anything to do with a lot of things. The voices in my head were so strong I would get angry. Not at others but myself.

In May of 2022, I noticed a big change in my mind. Thats when I would walk barefoot from London to my home on Oneida. Or at least try too. There was one specific time I was walking toward Oneida and as I got about half way, I noticed a huge switch in my brain. I became an “Old Man” so to speak, in my mind. It’s almost as if it was a scene out of a horror film. Only without the tragic parts that are usually in the films. I guess to me, the only way to explain it is as if I was possessed by more than a few entities.

During that walk I was calling myself a “Stupid White Bitch” or the entity was. He was also asking for his white horse and satchel. He also spoke of his Bow and Arrow. As I was walking along the bridge, a very nice woman and her daughter picked me up. It was as soon as they spoke to me that I fully realized what I was doing. Walking barefoot toward my home. They offered me a ride to where I was going and I accepted.

I was given a ride back to my place in town by a family member. They were worried too. Everyone was worried. I was extremely worried about myself and I eventually recieved the help that I needed. I can write about my experience with psychosis and how it played out and made me feel. I was Embarrassed, Ashamed, Angry at what had happened. I understand now that I had no control at the time and I never hurt anyone physically, Thank God.

I definetly will write more of my experience when I can. For now I am going to stop here. I hope everyone is well, and please stay kind to each other.

Stay Shining

“Schizophrenia is a serious mental disorder in which people interpret reality abnormally.”

I was recently diagnosed with Schizophrenia, September 9, 2022 to be exact. I never knew the severity of psychosis that comes with the diagnosis.

“Psychosis is Characterized as disruptions to a persons thoughts and perceptions that make it difficult for people to recognize what is real and what isn’t.”

I was stuck in my mind, almost as if I wasnt there at all. I was walking for hours at a time and bare foot at that. In my mind I was told I have these great powers. I was told some dark things that would happen and one of those things came true. I was fighting for my life while being stuck in a cage within myself.

I started praying because I didn’t know what else to do. I still pray as I write this. I was “walking with the Devil” so to speak. Although the Devil has no power over this woman. Thats what was in my head. I have conquered the messed up reality in my head and I will continue to do so.

I have scared many people, including my family. Not happy about this but I hope they understand that I wasn’t well at all at the time. I still have those voices in my head and I still see things but I know that I have a good coping strategy that I do use.

I had an appointment yesterday with a psychiatrist who explained very well what is happening in this brain of mine. I am not the only person who has or is going through this. It is scary to have thoughts of things that I never ever thought I would be having. Or hearing things that no one would ever want to hear.

My brain is still all over but it is a work in progress. I have learned so many new, good coping skills and I will continue to do so. I Love writing and thats what I have been doing. Writing with a pen and paper of course. The thought of posting it all on here is there but I would rather keep it nice and sweet in these moments. I am not ready to exploit my own embarrassing thoughts, feelings. At least not yet.

Today is September 20, 2022 and this is the first time typing since my last post that I shared while I was very unwell. So please do be kind, and kindness will be shown to you. I mean I am usually always kind despite the rude people. Anyways I just felt the need to type this morning, Thankfully.

My theory, the Devil and God are working together. Why else would there be a heaven and hell? The Devil takes the evil to burn and God takes the good souls, where it is beautiful. We all have an evil side and a good side.

The good side will always take over the evil. How do I know this? God speaks, amen. Devil speaks, Amen. They don’t call them evil-doers for nothing. This was all meant to happen and it cannot be stopped! No matter how hard you try. The evil in this world will perish.

God speaks, Amen. Devil speaks, Amen

Stay Shining

I have definately lost my mind. Not in a way that you think. It is the good and the bad mixed together. It is so hard to explain in a way for others to understand.

Have you ever felt like your not yourself? Almost as if something has taken control of you and you don’t understand who or what it is? Well let me tell you, It isn’t fun at all. It is a whole other level of insanity. I was once what you call “normal”, if there is even such a thing.

Schitzophrenia is what the term is labelled. I don’t agree with this term. Labels is how we recognize what is going on or what something is. In my insane mind, I am normal but everyone else begs to differ.

The boy who cried wolf is what I was told that I do. Not intentionally. I do have faults yes but who doesn’t. I cry for help and don’t actually do anything to get the help is what that saying means. I have asked many, many, many times for help but I can’t seem to wrap my head around it all.

So I say I am clinically insane for those that don’t understand. I feel like more than one person and to me that is what my normal is now. I all of a sudden have all the labels that is put on everyone else as well. All the good and bad labels.

My Birthday was yesterday and I decided to start a garden at my sisters home. Tell me why I decided to vomit in the dirt and bury it. Yes! I awoke this morning trying to figure it out. I haven’t been able to eat properly. I stopped drinking and recently began to drink again. I stopped smoking Marijuana, now I smoke again.

I am telling you that there is something another worldly going on. It is Heaven and Hell. Galatia has so much to do with it all. Seek and you shall find.

Stay Shining

https://frombreakingdowntobreakingthrough.ca/2022/08/14/taking-control-of-myself/

Where do I start? I have been so lost. Not myself at all. I seem to have been lacking self care. I am working on it to the best of my ability. I know I am going to get throught this! I just have that feeling that “everything is happening for a reason”. As hard as it is I am strong and I will continue to keep being the warrior that I am. No more of these shinnanigans. I am a fighter, I am resilient, I am Strong, I am Loved. If Others can pull through then I know for a fact that I can to. Shortest post but this is me and how I feel. I don’t care if you don’t care. I do care about me a whole lot. I also Care about my Loved ones. I won’t allow the Evil in this world take over my Soul.

Stay Shining

I see good things coming, I can feel it in my bones. My feet touching the earth as well as my hands. Most Wonderful feeling is mother nature. The senses all kick in. Grounding.

Grounding for me has so, so much to do with the earth we are living on. To give thanks to mother nature. I am so Thankful to have had as much experience that I have. I am going to help others not to sure how but I am and it has already started. My Journey continues every single day.

Yesterday I was blessed by children for the day. They brightened my eyes so much. I do miss my children so much. I Love them so, so much. As I know I am loved by others. I am Loved by god, I am loved by the creator, and I have learned to Love myself.

Don’t get me wrong, it is hard but so worth it being sober and clean. If I can better myself then I know for a fact you can too. You just have to look up. Up to the sky, see all that beauty that has been surrounding us our entire lives. Not Cars, Money, Clothes, Jewelery. The most inportant thing is surrounding yourself with all the beautiful souls on this earth and in heaven.

I do have to say to a Wonderful woman whom I haven’t really spoken too for a while but she has been in my thoughts. JG, I hope you can forgive me for causing any pain to you. I forgive you, we didn’t know any better when we were younger. You are Beautiful Inside and out just like every other human being on this planet.

You were and still are a big part of my life. Good and bad memories, it is all so, so, good. Thank you for the time, patience, and Love you showed me. Thank you for being you. Beautiful souls.

Every single person on this earth is and has so much beauty inside and out. Love you all.

Stay Shining