“The Old Man”

I am happy to say that even though I have been through as much as I have, I have gained back my self control. I still have days I am off but thats normal for each individual. I used to judge myself in such a negative way. It was all the time. I find that when I switch that thought to a positive as quickly as I can then I am not so upset. Or if I talk about the feeling with someone.

I used to think I was all alone. I am but not entirely. I have come to a realization that in order for my Mental Health to be at a good spot, I need to put myself first. I do have children and when I gave them to their father full-time, thats when everything changed in my mind.

I slowly was isolating myself and pushing others away. I honestly didn’t want to feel the way I was feeling, think the way I was thinking, I didn’t want anything to do with a lot of things. The voices in my head were so strong I would get angry. Not at others but myself.

In May of 2022, I noticed a big change in my mind. Thats when I would walk barefoot from London to my home on Oneida. Or at least try too. There was one specific time I was walking toward Oneida and as I got about half way, I noticed a huge switch in my brain. I became an “Old Man” so to speak, in my mind. It’s almost as if it was a scene out of a horror film. Only without the tragic parts that are usually in the films. I guess to me, the only way to explain it is as if I was possessed by more than a few entities.

During that walk I was calling myself a “Stupid White Bitch” or the entity was. He was also asking for his white horse and satchel. He also spoke of his Bow and Arrow. As I was walking along the bridge, a very nice woman and her daughter picked me up. It was as soon as they spoke to me that I fully realized what I was doing. Walking barefoot toward my home. They offered me a ride to where I was going and I accepted.

I was given a ride back to my place in town by a family member. They were worried too. Everyone was worried. I was extremely worried about myself and I eventually recieved the help that I needed. I can write about my experience with psychosis and how it played out and made me feel. I was Embarrassed, Ashamed, Angry at what had happened. I understand now that I had no control at the time and I never hurt anyone physically, Thank God.

I definetly will write more of my experience when I can. For now I am going to stop here. I hope everyone is well, and please stay kind to each other.

Stay Shining

Schizophrenia

“Schizophrenia is a serious mental disorder in which people interpret reality abnormally.”

I was recently diagnosed with Schizophrenia, September 9, 2022 to be exact. I never knew the severity of psychosis that comes with the diagnosis.

“Psychosis is Characterized as disruptions to a persons thoughts and perceptions that make it difficult for people to recognize what is real and what isn’t.”

I was stuck in my mind, almost as if I wasnt there at all. I was walking for hours at a time and bare foot at that. In my mind I was told I have these great powers. I was told some dark things that would happen and one of those things came true. I was fighting for my life while being stuck in a cage within myself.

I started praying because I didn’t know what else to do. I still pray as I write this. I was “walking with the Devil” so to speak. Although the Devil has no power over this woman. Thats what was in my head. I have conquered the messed up reality in my head and I will continue to do so.

I have scared many people, including my family. Not happy about this but I hope they understand that I wasn’t well at all at the time. I still have those voices in my head and I still see things but I know that I have a good coping strategy that I do use.

I had an appointment yesterday with a psychiatrist who explained very well what is happening in this brain of mine. I am not the only person who has or is going through this. It is scary to have thoughts of things that I never ever thought I would be having. Or hearing things that no one would ever want to hear.

My brain is still all over but it is a work in progress. I have learned so many new, good coping skills and I will continue to do so. I Love writing and thats what I have been doing. Writing with a pen and paper of course. The thought of posting it all on here is there but I would rather keep it nice and sweet in these moments. I am not ready to exploit my own embarrassing thoughts, feelings. At least not yet.

Today is September 20, 2022 and this is the first time typing since my last post that I shared while I was very unwell. So please do be kind, and kindness will be shown to you. I mean I am usually always kind despite the rude people. Anyways I just felt the need to type this morning, Thankfully.

Theory Of Mine

My theory, the Devil and God are working together. Why else would there be a heaven and hell? The Devil takes the evil to burn and God takes the good souls, where it is beautiful. We all have an evil side and a good side.

The good side will always take over the evil. How do I know this? God speaks, amen. Devil speaks, Amen. They don’t call them evil-doers for nothing. This was all meant to happen and it cannot be stopped! No matter how hard you try. The evil in this world will perish.

God speaks, Amen. Devil speaks, Amen

Stay Shining

Mind Gone

I have definately lost my mind. Not in a way that you think. It is the good and the bad mixed together. It is so hard to explain in a way for others to understand.

Have you ever felt like your not yourself? Almost as if something has taken control of you and you don’t understand who or what it is? Well let me tell you, It isn’t fun at all. It is a whole other level of insanity. I was once what you call “normal”, if there is even such a thing.

Schitzophrenia is what the term is labelled. I don’t agree with this term. Labels is how we recognize what is going on or what something is. In my insane mind, I am normal but everyone else begs to differ.

The boy who cried wolf is what I was told that I do. Not intentionally. I do have faults yes but who doesn’t. I cry for help and don’t actually do anything to get the help is what that saying means. I have asked many, many, many times for help but I can’t seem to wrap my head around it all.

So I say I am clinically insane for those that don’t understand. I feel like more than one person and to me that is what my normal is now. I all of a sudden have all the labels that is put on everyone else as well. All the good and bad labels.

My Birthday was yesterday and I decided to start a garden at my sisters home. Tell me why I decided to vomit in the dirt and bury it. Yes! I awoke this morning trying to figure it out. I haven’t been able to eat properly. I stopped drinking and recently began to drink again. I stopped smoking Marijuana, now I smoke again.

I am telling you that there is something another worldly going on. It is Heaven and Hell. Galatia has so much to do with it all. Seek and you shall find.

Stay Shining

Taking Control of Myself

Where do I start? I have been so lost. Not myself at all. I seem to have been lacking self care. I am working on it to the best of my ability. I know I am going to get throught this! I just have that feeling that “everything is happening for a reason”. As hard as it is I am strong and I will continue to keep being the warrior that I am. No more of these shinnanigans. I am a fighter, I am resilient, I am Strong, I am Loved. If Others can pull through then I know for a fact that I can to. Shortest post but this is me and how I feel. I don’t care if you don’t care. I do care about me a whole lot. I also Care about my Loved ones. I won’t allow the Evil in this world take over my Soul.

Stay Shining

Mother Nature

As I walked through Mother Nature today, the ground is so dry. It won’t rain if we don’t start properly taking care of our land. It takes teamwork to be able to help Mother Nature to get back to good health.

Why must we focus on materialistic things? It is not important. What is important is, who you surround yourself with. Positive people bring positive moods. The knowledge of a happy, healthy, whole person is inside of us all.

I planted many seeds today and gave thanks as I did so. I prayed all day and danced. I ask that we stop hurting Mother Earth. When we don’t take care of the earth, we don’t take care of ourselves. Animals, plants, trees, vines, bushes, grass, herbs, fruits, vegetables. All those beautiful nutritous and healing plants.

It doesn’t have to be anything over the top. Even if you just water a couple plants a day. Water your grass because in order for rain to be here Mother Earth needs to stay hydrated. It is true that if we don’t start making positive changes, Mother earth will die and everything on it. Every living thing. Please, Please, Please I ask that we help our Mother Earth to be healthy and Strong. So that we all can Stay Healthy and Strong.

Stay Shining

Beautiful Souls

I see good things coming, I can feel it in my bones. My feet touching the earth as well as my hands. Most Wonderful feeling is mother nature. The senses all kick in. Grounding.

Grounding for me has so, so much to do with the earth we are living on. To give thanks to mother nature. I am so Thankful to have had as much experience that I have. I am going to help others not to sure how but I am and it has already started. My Journey continues every single day.

Yesterday I was blessed by children for the day. They brightened my eyes so much. I do miss my children so much. I Love them so, so much. As I know I am loved by others. I am Loved by god, I am loved by the creator, and I have learned to Love myself.

Don’t get me wrong, it is hard but so worth it being sober and clean. If I can better myself then I know for a fact you can too. You just have to look up. Up to the sky, see all that beauty that has been surrounding us our entire lives. Not Cars, Money, Clothes, Jewelery. The most inportant thing is surrounding yourself with all the beautiful souls on this earth and in heaven.

I do have to say to a Wonderful woman whom I haven’t really spoken too for a while but she has been in my thoughts. JG, I hope you can forgive me for causing any pain to you. I forgive you, we didn’t know any better when we were younger. You are Beautiful Inside and out just like every other human being on this planet.

You were and still are a big part of my life. Good and bad memories, it is all so, so, good. Thank you for the time, patience, and Love you showed me. Thank you for being you. Beautiful souls.

Every single person on this earth is and has so much beauty inside and out. Love you all.

Stay Shining

Circle Of Life

The cycle of life, is more than being born and dying. It is finding who you are as an individual. Living your Life in the best way possible. Love hard, Show kindness, Build Strength, Be Honest, Resilient, Respectful, Have integrity, Standards and Boundaries.

So, so important to know that it doesn’t have to be a bad life. You can make your life a good one by taking care of your mind, body, and soul. Positive affirmations are good. I am beautiful, Strong, Resilient, Honest, I am loved by others and I Love myself. I always do my best to stay kind, and Love unconditionally. Life is too short to waste on all negatives in this world.

If you take care of yourself you will see the biggest difference in your own mood, as I do mine. I still have bad days, just like today. I was all of a sudden Angry because of our people being kidnapped, killed. It breaks my heart. Also to add if anything was to ever happen to me, it was someone else who did it. I say this because I refuse to leave this lifetime by my own hands. “Suicide” I am adament to continue life without Alcohol and drugs.

Paranoia is definitely a withdrawl affect after quitting cold turkey. Probably shouldn’t have done that, I came to a point of death. It was a struggle to get through it but I am so Happy I had guidance to overcome the bad words. Good words are always better for sure.

Stay Shining

Who do you think you are?

I am so Angry! Why me? Keep asking myself the same questions over and over again. I am working so hard on my mental health. Trying to figure out who is the cause of all this pain. It sure isn’t me hurting myself.

Every Child Matters, No more stolen sisters. I placed my stone at the Zion church I prayed the entire Journey rolling my Boulder. Fingers were in pain, knees scraped up, feet are getting stronger. Sun burn galore. I am trying to hear you Creator. I pray and pray and pray. Please help me.

Give me the strength to overcome this pain to our people. Show me the way. I Love you, I Love me. I need guidance. Please answer me, help me. I thank you for all that you do and all that you are. I LOve you, we all Love you. Amen, Y^wako

I will work my but off to help my people and protect our lands. Who do you think you are? I know I am going to accomplish something amazing. Await for me outside your door. I shall spin three times and clap three times. You will repent, for if you do Not, God will not show you pitty, nor mercy. You will be sent to the dark world, everyone calls Hell. Leave my people alone!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This is my last warning. I am Angry and I will get Justice. I WILL GET SALVATION FOR MY PEOPLE.

How do I know? Creator spoke to me and has shown me so so much. Don’t think you can hide from this. All the information I have is put in a safe place and if anything happens to me, you will suffer the consequences.

Creator give me the strength to help save my people from the “Mind Changers”. Guide me in the right direction. Give me the Courage to confront my fears. Knowledge me more so I fully understand. Y^wako

(Added) I wrote this in a hurt and angered state of mind. I apologise for that. I pray that I will be forgiven for allowing my weakness to get the best of me. I should have said.

I understand your in pain, we all are. Every single human on this planet is in pain. I can’t imagine how you may feel. I do know that you have the strength to overcome those “demons” in your head that tell you it’s a good thing to kidnap or murder people out of spite. I would never wish pain upon anyone. I know I get angry but this post was so good to release. I am staying positive. I hope you find the Love in your heart for yourself and others, no matter the level they are in life. You can be happy too, I promise. It is hard but we can all work together if we try and be mindful of others situations and feelings. I just know you will feel so much better if you confess to your wrong doings. Ask for forgiveness from your god you look up too. God Forgives and with Forgiveness comes Happiness. So state of mind has changed. I have calmed down. Interesting choice of words I used while being angry. Stay Kind to each other, smile, say hi, we all are human and we all have feelings, emotions. Like they say ” It takes a village to raise children”, so lets work together to teach our children how kind and Loving the world can be. No more hate. Peace and Love.

Stay Shining