I want to be free

I want to be free from this anxiety. Today is Wednesday, October 26, 2022. I slept all afternoon yesterday. Missed my AA meeting because I awoke, took my medication, then went back to sleep until close to 6am this morning. Anxiety was there as soon as I awoke. I don’t know exactly what to do.

I am happy because I get to visit my children today but I am also worried that my state of mind won’t be better even though I truly do hope it will be. I am so stuck in my past and I remember never feeling this anxious all the time when I had my children in my care.

I have been staying at my sisters again because I don’t really know what else to do. My nephew has been amazing and rooting me on. He actually gets me to eat when I don’t feel hungry. I don’t want to live like this. This is not how life is supposed to be in my eyes. I once was happy and now I dread even waking up. Thats hard to say.

I have been through depression most of my life but now is so different because it is way more intense than it has ever been. I do try to reach out but sometimes it doesn’t help me any. I think I should go to the hospital but then I will be stuck in a room again. I just want to be free from this misery but apart of it I blame on myself for allowing things to get so bad. Even though it isn’t my fault it is my brain.

I just feel so alone even with people around and so this morning I decided to write because I don’t know what else to do. I miss the old brain and I am having a hard time with the new brain of mine. So to this I just want to be free.

Stay Shining

This thing called life

I went for a drive with my Mother and I was still having my anxiety attack. I believe 3 hours I had to go through that before my mom took me to get my anxiety medication. It took about 20 to 30 minutes before I started to feel calm from the hieghtened emotions. My mom is such a Wonderful woman and even though she has her own struggles she is still so kind and loving toward everyone. Thats where my family gets it from is my Mother.

Although the anxiety has subsided I am now feeling the true feelings of my depression. It is hard when you get over one feeling and then to the next. I also find myself worried about the week coming up and not focusing on today. I seem to get “lost” in a sense. I never know exactly what to do. Go home or stay with family.

While I am at home I am alone. I do have a cat but cats do their own cat things. She is a good support to an extent. The feeling of being alone is probably the hardest feeling for me personally to go through. I once had a full house with my children and now it is quiet. With the acception of my cats meows. I tend to go back to the memories that I had with my children a lot and it makes me miss them even more.

I am a Mother of 4 beautiful children and I still can’t have them in my care. I know they are safe with their Father but I don’t get to see them as much as I like. Apart of me feels that I won’t ever have them back in my care and thats a hard one to grasp. What once was, is no more. So how do I adjust to this new routine of being alone? I could just sit and watch television all day but thats not reality.

I have tried to include volunteering in my routine but even then I have huge doubts. I probably sound like a “broken record”. These thoughts and feelings are so real and I always wish I could turn back time. Schizophrenia is definetly a new thing for me to be living with.

I find myself missing my life with my children all the time. That is a struggle for me. Like I said before what once was, is no more. Gah, adjusting to the new me is a challenge. Trying to find my balance is a challenge. I have said it before and I am going to say it again. I wish I had a manual to this thing called life. It sure is hard to live through it on my own.

Stay Shining

Anxiety/Panic

Today is Saturday, October 22, 2022. Before I awoke this morning I was in a panic, or having an anxiety attack. I don’t know if there is a difference between the two. My heart was pounding and I felt a shortness of breath. I was shaking and couldn’t even get my brain to settle. Normally I would take my anti-anxiety medication but I didn’t have any to take.

I got myself ready and immediately walked over to my sisters house. I still have my anxiety happening, I probably shouldn’t have had a coffee either but my Mom had made it for me. Living with this has been very difficult. I have had many intrusive thoughts on top of my anxiety. Most likely what had started my panic.

So the difference between a panic attack and an anxiety attack is that a “panic attack is often more intense and can occur with or without a trigger”. “Anxiety attacks are a response to a percieved threat”. read this off of http://www.medicalnewstoday.com>articles.

So I suppose I had an anxiety attack from a dream while I was sleeping. This has never happened to me before or at least that I can remember. My dream was of my sister and I. We were in a ship that was in outer space as well as in water. It was a school. I had found a little baby on a staircase that was in the ship. so small it was smaller than the palm of my hand. My sister and I tried to save the baby and take care of it. We had found the mother who gave birth to the baby but the mother didn’t seem to care.

I have a feeling the dream has to do with my own trauma from February 11th of last year. This is why I write because it helps me to cope with everything that is happening in my life. Such a scary experience to me. I know one day I will have control over the attacks but I do wish it never started. As anyone would living with the anxiety that I do. I know I am not alone and hopefully if anyone else is going through something similar can see that it is only temporary and that it’s okay to let it out. Speak about it because keeping it to myself personally makes the situation worse.

Stay Shining

Work

I don’t understand why I can’t seem to hold a job. I mean a lot has to do with my mental state and I know this. I thought I was ready to get back to working. This is only once a week. Yes, once a week and I can’t even manage that in my life right now. The workplace is such an Amazing place to be working at. I honestly think PSW work is just not in the cards for me anymore. It makes me sad because again I need to put myself first before I can even think about caring for others.

So sadly today Friday, October 21, 2022 I had to send my boss a message and ask her to call my work day a volunteer day because I feel that it was just like that. I was volunteering. Maybe it is the pressure of having to care for others when I can’t care for my own.

Believe me when I say that I feel terrible going in asking for a job and not even two days later I am declining the job that I asked for. This I am thinking there must be something else for me to be doing but maybe I am rushing on my healing Journey. After I sent the message to my boss I felt a sense of relief because I knew that it had to be done even though I didn’t want to.

This life of mine is something else entirely, I try so hard to be me but I have so many blockages. Like I said one day I know I will find something but until then I guess it is just me focusing on me.

Stay Shining

Children come first

I am still learning how to balance my life. Balance my mind, body, and soul. Today is 9 days of sobriety and it is Wednesday, October 19, 2022. Today I get to see my children. Last week I got to visist them as well. I find myself still struggling with the idea of only visiting my children, now once a week. Before it was bi-weekly. It has been a Roller Coaster of emotions and I am now feeling optimistic about things.

I am thankful that I do get to visit my children, whether it be once a week or not. I wish I still had them on the daily but I know that I did this to myself. Some people have it worst than I do and I know this. I have a tendencie to think that the world revolves around me. When in reality it doesn’t.

My entire life has been like that. Wanting everything and everyone to include me into it. I know that this is not realistic now. I am happy that my ex does allow me to visit with my children because some Mothers don’t get that chance. Even with Fathers. My ex was one of those men in the past who did struggle with parenting because of the way I was.

There was a time that I wanted full control over what he could do with the children and when he could visit with them. Now I know how he feels. I do recall talking to my ex about how I turned him into a monster, which he is not. I did have a good life but I did take it for granted because I wanted everything to be about me.

I have always put my children first, especially when I did have them in my care. I was also so worried about them being hurt that I stopped them from being who they are and allowing them to go outside to play. I wouldn’t let them out of my site because I was so scared that they would get bullied or hurt and I knew I would blame myself for that.

I guess you can say I have always been “the helicopter mom”. I can see how free my children are now. Their Father is doing such an Amazing job raising them while I try to get myself back in order. I praise people a lot because they need to know how much good they are doing and I know I should be saying these things to myself.

I am not a terrible mom and I know this. I always put my children first. Now that I am alone and I don’t have them on a daily I do struggle to take care of myself still but I am getting better at it. I still know that my children come first before anything. I also know that I need to put myself first before I can fully care for them in a positive aspect.

This may sound all flustered but this is my brain and how I think. Children come first. Only, this time I have to put myself first so that I can put them first. If that makes any sense at all. Ha ha ha….. I am learning still. I misss my children so much on a daily and sometimes, a lot of the times this is my barrier.

I never knew what it was like to have to care for myself and only myself. Even though I still care for others while I care for myself. Oh dear I am confusing sometimes. Thats okay though. I look forward to the day that I do have my children back into my care. Children should always come first, right?

Like I said it is confusing because I have to put myself first before my children now and I am still learning to do so because my children are my life. They are what keeps me going. I miss them so, so, so much. Anyways thats my post. Children come first.

Stay Shining

The Unknown

I have a fear of the unknown. I am not sure if this happens with everyone else. I am sure it does at times. I am always worried about the outcome of some situations. Like when you want to go do something but you get scared to do it because you just don’t know what is going to happen after it is said and done.

I know that you won’t ever know if you don’t try and that it is all a learning thing. I started joining an AA meeting and sometimes I am scared to join because I am so worried about judgement. When everyone else there is going through the same thing I am. Why must I fear judgement of others to begin with, if I am trying to heal just like them?

I am learning just like everyone else and I hope that one day I will no longer fear the judgement of others. So I am proud of myself for just doing the meetings. I am also thankful that there are meeting to attend because the feeling of being alone through this is hard.

Stay Shining

Thankful

Today is Monday, October 17, 2022. Day 7 of my sobriety. I found today to be a better day. I had an appointment with an old boss of mine and I have to say it went well. I start my first work day on Thursday. I was so anxious this morning. I awoke at 5:30 am and I didn’t want to go back to sleep because I was worried I wouldn’t of had enough time to get ready for my appointment.

You know out of all the hard days I have had, there are so many good ones. I have spent a lot of time at my Sisters house because I didn’t want to be alone. It made me sad to be alone even though I have a beautiful cat. Oh yeah my cat talks. Haha but besides that I have always wanted someone by my side. Today really made me thankful for what I have because many people don’t have what I have.

I did a lot of reading today from a book called “Braiding Sweetgrass” that a friend had given me. I am so thankful for this book because it has so much knowledge of how things used to be and what certain plants are and what they are used for. Just like little stories.

I managed to do a lot of writing, as well as a little bit of coloring. My mood has been good today and for that I am thankful to our Creator. I still have sadness happening but it isn’t overloading me, thankfully. I even got to spend a little bit more time with my Sister, Mom, and Nephew. Not to much time but just a little and for that I am thankful.

I am thankful for all the people in my life whether I talk to them or not because I still feel loved and I have learned many lessons. I find my sadness is because I miss my children running to me calling out “Mommy”. I feel that I had taken that for granted when I did have them before I had my Mental Breakdown.

So even though I am alone and sad at times I am still thankful for what I have and who I do have in my life. I wish I could stay this happy forever but I know that life is all about learning and that there will be more hard days to work through. Oh how I do miss my babies that are not babies anymore. I am thankful that I will be seeing them this Wednesday. They help me to continue on the good path I am on. I am not only healing for myself but for my children too.

Stay Shining

Fears

I know everyone has fears. It is usually what stops us from doing something we really want to do. Or it keeps us from moving forward with our lives. I have a big fear of new groups\places. I know I can overcome my fear by just going to these groups.

For some reason I make up excuses. A lot of them is I don’t want to embarrass myself, or say something that shouldn’t have been said. I am not one to fully think before I speak at times. This is a huge Barrier to me.

As I sat here wondering how can I overcome my fears. The thought “Just Do It” came to mind. Is it really just that simple? “Just Do It”. It is difficult for me to make decisions because most of the time I think things in a way that it would be better if I wasnt there. I should have in my mind that it would be better if I am there.

Thank You

Today is Sunday, October 16, 2022. I was writing in my Journal/Diary and I have a lot of memories of the bad situations that I was in. Some caused by me and some caused by others. Mainly I wrote about the hurt that I have caused others. Yes, I hurt from other people but I forgive them. I find myself struggling to an extent to forgive myself for the pain I have caused others. When I say pain it is both physically and mentally. I am trying not to get stuck in the emotions. So I write them out.

I am sure everyone goes through this. Thinking about “If I could turn back time”. I know that I can’t turn back time but I still have the memories and for some reason I rememeber the bad memories instead of the good. I get fixated on those bad memories. I am trying to work through them and I think writing is what really sets me free from the thoughts.

I find myself sitting everyday, not really doing anything except smoking cigarettes and drinking tea/coffee. Not a very good way for self care. I started smudging, although I don’t smudge on a daily I try to. I find that I would prefer to sit in my sadness instead of doing something about it because personally I don’t care. Or I should say I never did care about myself as a whole. I never realized how important it is to properly take care of myself. I always have looked for someone else to “save me”.

I have always depended on everyone else to be there for me. When realistically everyone has their own lives to deal with. I rememeber expecting everyone to drop what they were doing just for me. My sister was the one who would and I do believe that put so much pressure on her. I am sorry sister for expecting you to drop everything for me. I am sorry to anyone I expected to drop everything for me.

Living with my new diagnosis is definetely a learning experience. Now I see why I behaved the way I did. I used to get angry with the ones I loved for not putting me first. My Aunt on my Mothers side being one of them. I am sorry Aunty for putting so much pressure on you as well. When I know that you have your struggles too.

I never realized what everyone has done for me, in a good way. I would say I was ungrateful and drowned myself in self pitty. Now I am alone and learning to deal with everything in my head on my own. It has been a big eye opener for me. I do want my family to be okay but that is out of my hands. I must focus on myself and that is hard as well. I have always complained about how terrible things were and never how Wonderful things are.

It is true when they say it is easy to get stuck in the negatives, rather than the positives. I recognise this and I say thats a Great thing. I am able to catch myself in a negative state and I can actually do something to get myself out. Writing being the biggest part of my healing.

So to those that I have hurt throughout my life I truly am sorry and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I never knew how hard it was just to be there for myself until I have had to do it myself. I also want to Thank those who did take the time to be there for me because I know that must have been really hard and tiring. Thank you for being who you are, I Love you all.

Stay Shining

Going With the Flow

Yesterday was a hard day for me but not the worst. I didn’t drink or even smoke any marijuana. I am very proud of myself for that. I even joined an AA meeting which did help because I heard others stories and they all struggle just like anyone else. I cried a lot during that meeting so I kept my camera off. Despite the sad mood I was in I didn’t give into the want, to smoke weed or drink.

I ended up going to sleep shortly after and I did sleep for almost twelve hours. I obviously needed it. During all of my struggles I always manage to look at the brighter picture. I am an emotional woman. Always have been and always will be.

Yesterday I felt so hopeless. Most likely from the withdrawl of the alcohol and marijuana. I awoke this morning feeling a bit off but at the same time so proud of myself for fighting those urges to smoke or drink.

I find myself missing my children the most through this all. My little babies that are not babies anymore. I always wish I could turn back time and make things right before it got too broken. I know that I can’t and I do know that when I sit in my thoughts and feelings that is when I am triggered. Thinking about the past instead of the now. The future is unknown but I do know that no matter the hardship I am in, I always make it through being okay. Maybe not wonderful but okay and to me that is comforting to know.

So drinking and marijuana definetely are not for me. I know that it is something I use for the moment and that is never helpful because I don’t work through my emotions in a good state of mind. I do get to see my children today, this is the highlight of my day so far. Once I do see them I know I will feel way more positive about my good decisions. My children have always came first in my life. So it has been hard not having them in my life daily.

I am thankful for their father. If it wasn’t for him, I don’t know where or who our children would be with. Even though their father and I are not together, I know that our children are safe with him and I know in time I will see mychildren more. Focusing on bettering my mental health has been the Journey but I wouldn’t say it has all been bad. I am still here, alive, and well. To me that is some good effort. I refuse to allow my mental health control my life. This is my healing Journey and I am happy with the outcome so far.

Stay Shining