As I drink, I feel myself slipping into a negative state of mind. I start thinking about the past and feel terrible just thinking about it all. This is why doctors say not to drink alcohol. It is a depressor. I am alone and getting stuck in my head.
I don’t have many friends and the ones I do have are more of my sisters friends than mine. Amazing people of course but I must just be that crazy/wierd to have my own friends. Again I have been drinking, so I start overthinking. I shouldn’t be alone, yet here I am sitting by myself and drinking my feelings.
I have so much on my mind and it is always on my mind. Everything and everyone. I keep thinking I have destroyed peoples lives. So I avoid things and people.
I know I have the strength to stop drinking because I have done it before. I just have to many excuses to quit at the moment. Thats my blurb for tonight.
I have been coping with drinking lately. I definetly do believe I am an alcoholic. There are many people like myself who use this remedy to overcome some emotions. I am obviously one of those people. I have poured myself two double shots of Crown Royal and thats within an hour.
I know that drinking isn’t going to help me overcome some of the issues I have. It is the hard moments that get me. I crave alcohol now and I never used to. I never really drank much in my life. Ever since Covid hit in 2019 I have been drinking more and more.
I know this won’t solve anything but it will put a band aid on it until I am ready to face it sober. It’s hard to explain, my battle with my mind. I am not drinking everyday now that I don’t have my friend from the psych ward around.
I am at my sisters today and I know she doesn’t want alcohol in her home. I did ask permission to drink today. She hesitantly said okay. My sister is on a break from drinking. I am so proud of her. She is one hard working Mother.
I know I can overcome this but right now I have way to many excuses for my drinking. It is not the right thing to do but unfortunately I am not ready to stop fully. I was told that it takes time. Well everything takes time but I have to put in the effort before I can heal the wounds I have.
I do talk to councelors and I am always honest. I don’t want to pretend everything is okay when it isn’t. I hate alcohol but yet I love it too. One day at a time.