I don’t know what to write about. I could write about anything and I am hesitating. I could talk about how I met someone in the psychiatric ward. How we tried to start a relationship once we both were out of the hospital. Not that it is a terrible thing to meet someone in the psychiatric ward.

It was just walking and talking at first. Him and I would walk around the ward together and try to sneak kisses in when we could. All the nurses knew but never said anything.

On Christmas Day I got a card from him. I thought it was the sweetest thing ever. He even wrote me two notes while in the hospital. The sweetest notes I have ever read. He made me happy.

I remember on New years eve I awoke right at 12:01am. I jumped out of my bed and went running to my friends room to give him a kiss and say Happy New Year. As I was leaving two nurses were walking in the room. We were not allowed to enter each others rooms. I quickly said to them, “I just wanted to tell him Happy New Year”.

I then said Happy New Year to the two nurses and scurried back to my room. I went right to sleep after that, I was also kind of scared when I went into his room. Knowing that we are not supposed to go into anyone elses rooms.

It was worth it because it made him happy.

He would make me a dessert from whatever sweet treats we could get from the hospital. All of them were so delicious, probably why I gained some weight.

I am thankful to have met this man. He treated me so special. Everything turned though. We began drinking together and it became an everyday thing for a week or more. The last night he was at my place, he got so drunk that he fell back at the top of the stairs. He hit his head pretty hard.

I was worried about him so I called my sister and asked her what to do. She guided me by telling me to get him into bed. So I did, I finally got him to bed after about 5 to 10 minutes of trying.

In the morning he left. I was upset because the night before he kept pushing me back telling me to “just lay down”. He kept doing it after I asked him to stop. I finally raised my voice at him. I told him to Stop pushing me back. After that he went downstairs upset that I yelled at him and drank a half of a bottle of Crown royal within 5 min.

I am happy that he is okay and that I am okay as well. The scenario’s that were running through my sisters mind as well as mine. I fear that it could have been worse. I am thankful we both are safe. I do talk to him a little but not much anymore. He needs to focus on himself and I need to focus on myself.

I thought this man was going to be my lifelong partner before things turned sour. He did make me happy but I have learned my lesson from past relationships to protect myself from harm. Not saying he was purposely hurting me. It was still wrong.

I do hope he gets the help he needs as I am getting the help I need to, it just doesn’t involve him. I know he understands. At least I hope he understands that we both are to messed up people that cannot be together romantically.

Stay Shining

I was at my sisters home and I asked my Mom to drop me off. So she did, I forgot to grab my phone off the counter before I left. So now I don’t have any way to contact help if I need it. I have no way of contacting my sister or my mom. I guess I am just meant to have no phone for the night. No distraction in whatever I choose to do while I am here at home.

Now I am starting to wonder if I just put my phone in my coat pocket. Either way I am to lazy to go and check in these moments.

I have been feeling sick to my stomach ever since I ate a burger and french fries at my sisters for dinner. I possibly did eat way to much today in general. I have been in that mood to just eat and eat. It’s almost out of control, or is completely out of control.

I was thinking last week, what if I am pregnant?. Even though I just got my IUD placed in. These are the worry’s that I have been having since after I had my oldest child. So, me thinking something is wrong goes to the extreme at times.

Just like having the fear that I am pregnant when they did a test at the doctors, the day I got the IUD placed.

It is the 20th of February, 2023. I awoke and wanted to drink almost instantaniously. I keep thinking about having drinks with my sister. Even though my sister has been sober for some time now. I know she isn’t drinking right now so I don’t understand why I immediately thought about having drinks with her.

I stayed at home last night, well you already know this because I wrote about it. Hahahaha….. anyways, Yesterday I also went to my Sister from another mr’s Shiny Tea Party of Doom. I had fun, I gave her a small donation to put back toward her savings. She had to take her dog to the vet and it cost her almost 300 dollars.

While at my sister from another mr’s party, She showed me a necklace that she had made and it has a wish in it. You know when the dandelions turn to wishes. I asked her to hold on to it for me. It was the only one she had. So I am looking forward to that buy.

I do want to buy a heart necklace for each of my children as well. I think it would be a nice small gift to give them, when I see them again.

I am unsure what I am going to be doing today but I am thankful to have woken up in a better mood than most days.

Stay Shining