There was a time I thought that there was always a “happy ever after”. You know finding someone and love strikes. At least I thought I had that. I thought I had that more than a few times. When the first relationship turned bad I was in search for the next, because the next would be “the one” in my mind.

Turns out it doesn’t work like that, at least not for me. I put so much effort into those relationships and ended up crying in my bed for days or drinking the pain away. I have made many stupid decisions during those heart break days.

I would go on dating sites to see if I could find “the one”. I have heard some people found their love that way. So I tried it. Wouldn’t you know it, it was just men who wanted a one night stand. Or an ongoing “Sneaky link” as they call it now.

I honestly never thought I would be such a gullable woman for as long as I was. I needed to start believing more in myself than others. I am not going to lie, I still wonder if there is someone out there for me. Someone who is my forever.

The only problem is I get so focused on finding someone else to love me, instead of me loving myself. It is a lifelong love that I need to find for myself, in myself. How do I do this? I have never been taught to love myself. I was taught to love and respect others.

I still long for love even though I just said I need to learn to love myself. I wonder if every person on this planet is like that?. You know, wants to find love but doesn’t know how to love themselves. I still have hope that one day I will find that love, but in order to find that love I think I do need to find the love for myself first.

So thats my thoughts on this whole love situation I seem to be stuck in. Wanting love so bad but needing to find it in myself.

Stay Shining

What a journey it has been. I am talking emotionally and physically. I started drinking again and I would feel like crap afterward because it made me feel like I failed. I was doing so good. I should say I made a mistake and I am not going to let that stop me from getting better.

On the tenth of February,2023 is when it started. I was so distraught because of the thought of my baby boy Nathaniel. I drank for three days and took a one day break. Last night I drank once again. I am not going to hate myself for this but I am dissapointed in myself.

To some people they think, “so what you drank”. Others who have been through what I am going through will understand. I noticed that through the hard moments I am always in search of something to take away the hardness of it. Whether it be drinking, smoking, binge eating, marijuana.

I know there are much more healthier ways to cope with those hard moments. It’s walking, writing, singing, having a bath, go to the salon if I can afford it, a big one is surrounding myself with family. I will be seeing an alcohol and addictions counselor this week. I am hoping that they will be able to give me some more tips and tricks to cope with the hard moments.

Well thats all I gotta say for this blog.

Stay Shining