Grief

Healing can be challenging sometimes for myself. I find it is sometimes very hard to overcome an emotion. Grief, I know I am not the only one who is grieving. How do you know what stage you are at in the grieving circle?

There are 7 stages of grieving: Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance and Hope, Processing grief. I could sit here and explain each stage but I am not going to do that. All I know is that this grieving I am going through is the most difficult thing I have ever had to go through.

I have grieved before but never to the amount that I have now with my son, who is in the arms of the angels. I am still learning how to live a good life during all of this. I still make mistakes because that happens.

For myself I find that I don’t want to cry even though thats what I need. I need to cry and work through the emotions but I would prefer to smoke marijuana, or drink the thoughts away. I was sober for well over a month and I recently had some drinks for the past 2 days.

I think I am having a hard time accepting what has happened and I am searching everywhere else and expecting everyone else to take my pain away. When I know that I have to work through all of it on my own in a sense. I still reach out but I can’t expect anyone to take my pain away. Which unfortunately I do this.

I want to go to groups, aa meetings but I am alone and I am terrified to do it all alone. Being an adult is hard sometimes. Making decisions are hard sometimes. Even with every post I sometimes find myself overthinking them, or feeling like it is a waste of time. Even though I know it helps me emotionally.

I Regret making the decision that I did to abort my son. He deserved a good life and I took that from him. I also took from myself. So my grieving over my son has taken a toll on this brain of mine and I am still trying to work through it every moment of everyday. It is tiring to do alone. In the end of it all, it is just me and my brain that needs to heal. That has been hard to accept, it is still a struggle for me to accept it all. I know I will get there in time.

So with that being said. If you are grieving any loss, you are not alone even if you feel like it. Your alone but not alone because there are supports out here in this world. Just need to toughen up and reach out which I find is the hardest part. I am proud of myself for taking the steps toward good healing. Yes I still make mistakes but we all do. It is all about learning. Having the knowledge of myself and taking action to create a better mental state for ourselves. That my rant. lol

Stay Shining

“The Brighter Picture”

My week has been such a good week. It also has taught me many things about myself. I distanced myself from writing and my home in general. I stayed with my family for these last 7 days. Going home to sleep once or twice.

I find myself not liking to be completely by myself. I always want and have wanted to be surrounded by my family. This is going back to the beginning of my childhood that I can remember. I have a huge attatchment to the past and how good it was when I was surrounded by family.

My family doesn’t have get togethers anymore due to family drama. Or I should say Family Trauma. As I am sure it is the same for many others. It is sad how things change negetively. Maybe it’s all for good reasons but I am still confused on a huge part of it.

It seems as if it all started falling apart after a certain death in my family. Although I cannot remember which family member it was that departed but I do have a good idea. Rest in Peace to my family members who are no longer with us today. I miss them all so dearly.

For me, I would change a few things if I could but for the goodness of it all, I wouldn’t change a thing. Also, I don’t have a choice but to accept the things from my past.

I do miss my childhood very much and I feel a lot of what I am going through has to deal with the Traumatizing parts of it. So I am constantly trying to switch whatever negative thought that is in my mind to a more positive aspect.

So despite my family being broken since I can remember, I am Happy that I am still here, alive, and doing well. I am happy that I get to see them through pictures shared on Facebook. I feel that has been the way for a long while now.

Family Trauma is a big part of everyones lives, or for a majority of us all. It’s trying to Breakthrough that trauma and heal from it all. Thats the difficult part. I do wish I had more positive support from certain people but unfortunately that is out of my hands. I do still Love them, no matter the heartache I have gained from them, I do ask for forgiveness for any heart ache I have caused. I do Forgive them because in my life I don’t ever wanted to be seperated from my family even though it has already happened.

It’s okay though because we all get older and eventually do seperate to live our lives. I am still learning this thing called life, just as everyone else is too. Trying to look at the brighter picture of things.

Stay Shining