I went for a drive with my Mother and I was still having my anxiety attack. I believe 3 hours I had to go through that before my mom took me to get my anxiety medication. It took about 20 to 30 minutes before I started to feel calm from the hieghtened emotions. My mom is such a Wonderful woman and even though she has her own struggles she is still so kind and loving toward everyone. Thats where my family gets it from is my Mother.

Although the anxiety has subsided I am now feeling the true feelings of my depression. It is hard when you get over one feeling and then to the next. I also find myself worried about the week coming up and not focusing on today. I seem to get “lost” in a sense. I never know exactly what to do. Go home or stay with family.

While I am at home I am alone. I do have a cat but cats do their own cat things. She is a good support to an extent. The feeling of being alone is probably the hardest feeling for me personally to go through. I once had a full house with my children and now it is quiet. With the acception of my cats meows. I tend to go back to the memories that I had with my children a lot and it makes me miss them even more.

I am a Mother of 4 beautiful children and I still can’t have them in my care. I know they are safe with their Father but I don’t get to see them as much as I like. Apart of me feels that I won’t ever have them back in my care and thats a hard one to grasp. What once was, is no more. So how do I adjust to this new routine of being alone? I could just sit and watch television all day but thats not reality.

I have tried to include volunteering in my routine but even then I have huge doubts. I probably sound like a “broken record”. These thoughts and feelings are so real and I always wish I could turn back time. Schizophrenia is definetly a new thing for me to be living with.

I find myself missing my life with my children all the time. That is a struggle for me. Like I said before what once was, is no more. Gah, adjusting to the new me is a challenge. Trying to find my balance is a challenge. I have said it before and I am going to say it again. I wish I had a manual to this thing called life. It sure is hard to live through it on my own.

Stay Shining