This thing called life

I went for a drive with my Mother and I was still having my anxiety attack. I believe 3 hours I had to go through that before my mom took me to get my anxiety medication. It took about 20 to 30 minutes before I started to feel calm from the hieghtened emotions. My mom is such a Wonderful woman and even though she has her own struggles she is still so kind and loving toward everyone. Thats where my family gets it from is my Mother.

Although the anxiety has subsided I am now feeling the true feelings of my depression. It is hard when you get over one feeling and then to the next. I also find myself worried about the week coming up and not focusing on today. I seem to get “lost” in a sense. I never know exactly what to do. Go home or stay with family.

While I am at home I am alone. I do have a cat but cats do their own cat things. She is a good support to an extent. The feeling of being alone is probably the hardest feeling for me personally to go through. I once had a full house with my children and now it is quiet. With the acception of my cats meows. I tend to go back to the memories that I had with my children a lot and it makes me miss them even more.

I am a Mother of 4 beautiful children and I still can’t have them in my care. I know they are safe with their Father but I don’t get to see them as much as I like. Apart of me feels that I won’t ever have them back in my care and thats a hard one to grasp. What once was, is no more. So how do I adjust to this new routine of being alone? I could just sit and watch television all day but thats not reality.

I have tried to include volunteering in my routine but even then I have huge doubts. I probably sound like a “broken record”. These thoughts and feelings are so real and I always wish I could turn back time. Schizophrenia is definetly a new thing for me to be living with.

I find myself missing my life with my children all the time. That is a struggle for me. Like I said before what once was, is no more. Gah, adjusting to the new me is a challenge. Trying to find my balance is a challenge. I have said it before and I am going to say it again. I wish I had a manual to this thing called life. It sure is hard to live through it on my own.

Stay Shining



Today is Saturday, October 22, 2022. Before I awoke this morning I was in a panic, or having an anxiety attack. I don’t know if there is a difference between the two. My heart was pounding and I felt a shortness of breath. I was shaking and couldn’t even get my brain to settle. Normally I would take my anti-anxiety medication but I didn’t have any to take.

I got myself ready and immediately walked over to my sisters house. I still have my anxiety happening, I probably shouldn’t have had a coffee either but my Mom had made it for me. Living with this has been very difficult. I have had many intrusive thoughts on top of my anxiety. Most likely what had started my panic.

So the difference between a panic attack and an anxiety attack is that a “panic attack is often more intense and can occur with or without a trigger”. “Anxiety attacks are a response to a percieved threat”. read this off of>articles.

So I suppose I had an anxiety attack from a dream while I was sleeping. This has never happened to me before or at least that I can remember. My dream was of my sister and I. We were in a ship that was in outer space as well as in water. It was a school. I had found a little baby on a staircase that was in the ship. so small it was smaller than the palm of my hand. My sister and I tried to save the baby and take care of it. We had found the mother who gave birth to the baby but the mother didn’t seem to care.

I have a feeling the dream has to do with my own trauma from February 11th of last year. This is why I write because it helps me to cope with everything that is happening in my life. Such a scary experience to me. I know one day I will have control over the attacks but I do wish it never started. As anyone would living with the anxiety that I do. I know I am not alone and hopefully if anyone else is going through something similar can see that it is only temporary and that it’s okay to let it out. Speak about it because keeping it to myself personally makes the situation worse.

Stay Shining