I am still learning how to balance my life. Balance my mind, body, and soul. Today is 9 days of sobriety and it is Wednesday, October 19, 2022. Today I get to see my children. Last week I got to visist them as well. I find myself still struggling with the idea of only visiting my children, now once a week. Before it was bi-weekly. It has been a Roller Coaster of emotions and I am now feeling optimistic about things.
I am thankful that I do get to visit my children, whether it be once a week or not. I wish I still had them on the daily but I know that I did this to myself. Some people have it worst than I do and I know this. I have a tendencie to think that the world revolves around me. When in reality it doesn’t.
My entire life has been like that. Wanting everything and everyone to include me into it. I know that this is not realistic now. I am happy that my ex does allow me to visit with my children because some Mothers don’t get that chance. Even with Fathers. My ex was one of those men in the past who did struggle with parenting because of the way I was.
There was a time that I wanted full control over what he could do with the children and when he could visit with them. Now I know how he feels. I do recall talking to my ex about how I turned him into a monster, which he is not. I did have a good life but I did take it for granted because I wanted everything to be about me.
I have always put my children first, especially when I did have them in my care. I was also so worried about them being hurt that I stopped them from being who they are and allowing them to go outside to play. I wouldn’t let them out of my site because I was so scared that they would get bullied or hurt and I knew I would blame myself for that.
I guess you can say I have always been “the helicopter mom”. I can see how free my children are now. Their Father is doing such an Amazing job raising them while I try to get myself back in order. I praise people a lot because they need to know how much good they are doing and I know I should be saying these things to myself.
I am not a terrible mom and I know this. I always put my children first. Now that I am alone and I don’t have them on a daily I do struggle to take care of myself still but I am getting better at it. I still know that my children come first before anything. I also know that I need to put myself first before I can fully care for them in a positive aspect.
This may sound all flustered but this is my brain and how I think. Children come first. Only, this time I have to put myself first so that I can put them first. If that makes any sense at all. Ha ha ha….. I am learning still. I misss my children so much on a daily and sometimes, a lot of the times this is my barrier.
I never knew what it was like to have to care for myself and only myself. Even though I still care for others while I care for myself. Oh dear I am confusing sometimes. Thats okay though. I look forward to the day that I do have my children back into my care. Children should always come first, right?
Like I said it is confusing because I have to put myself first before my children now and I am still learning to do so because my children are my life. They are what keeps me going. I miss them so, so, so much. Anyways thats my post. Children come first.