Today is Sunday, October 16, 2022. I was writing in my Journal/Diary and I have a lot of memories of the bad situations that I was in. Some caused by me and some caused by others. Mainly I wrote about the hurt that I have caused others. Yes, I hurt from other people but I forgive them. I find myself struggling to an extent to forgive myself for the pain I have caused others. When I say pain it is both physically and mentally. I am trying not to get stuck in the emotions. So I write them out.
I am sure everyone goes through this. Thinking about “If I could turn back time”. I know that I can’t turn back time but I still have the memories and for some reason I rememeber the bad memories instead of the good. I get fixated on those bad memories. I am trying to work through them and I think writing is what really sets me free from the thoughts.
I find myself sitting everyday, not really doing anything except smoking cigarettes and drinking tea/coffee. Not a very good way for self care. I started smudging, although I don’t smudge on a daily I try to. I find that I would prefer to sit in my sadness instead of doing something about it because personally I don’t care. Or I should say I never did care about myself as a whole. I never realized how important it is to properly take care of myself. I always have looked for someone else to “save me”.
I have always depended on everyone else to be there for me. When realistically everyone has their own lives to deal with. I rememeber expecting everyone to drop what they were doing just for me. My sister was the one who would and I do believe that put so much pressure on her. I am sorry sister for expecting you to drop everything for me. I am sorry to anyone I expected to drop everything for me.
Living with my new diagnosis is definetely a learning experience. Now I see why I behaved the way I did. I used to get angry with the ones I loved for not putting me first. My Aunt on my Mothers side being one of them. I am sorry Aunty for putting so much pressure on you as well. When I know that you have your struggles too.
I never realized what everyone has done for me, in a good way. I would say I was ungrateful and drowned myself in self pitty. Now I am alone and learning to deal with everything in my head on my own. It has been a big eye opener for me. I do want my family to be okay but that is out of my hands. I must focus on myself and that is hard as well. I have always complained about how terrible things were and never how Wonderful things are.
It is true when they say it is easy to get stuck in the negatives, rather than the positives. I recognise this and I say thats a Great thing. I am able to catch myself in a negative state and I can actually do something to get myself out. Writing being the biggest part of my healing.
So to those that I have hurt throughout my life I truly am sorry and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I never knew how hard it was just to be there for myself until I have had to do it myself. I also want to Thank those who did take the time to be there for me because I know that must have been really hard and tiring. Thank you for being who you are, I Love you all.