Yesterday was a hard day for me but not the worst. I didn’t drink or even smoke any marijuana. I am very proud of myself for that. I even joined an AA meeting which did help because I heard others stories and they all struggle just like anyone else. I cried a lot during that meeting so I kept my camera off. Despite the sad mood I was in I didn’t give into the want, to smoke weed or drink.
I ended up going to sleep shortly after and I did sleep for almost twelve hours. I obviously needed it. During all of my struggles I always manage to look at the brighter picture. I am an emotional woman. Always have been and always will be.
Yesterday I felt so hopeless. Most likely from the withdrawl of the alcohol and marijuana. I awoke this morning feeling a bit off but at the same time so proud of myself for fighting those urges to smoke or drink.
I find myself missing my children the most through this all. My little babies that are not babies anymore. I always wish I could turn back time and make things right before it got too broken. I know that I can’t and I do know that when I sit in my thoughts and feelings that is when I am triggered. Thinking about the past instead of the now. The future is unknown but I do know that no matter the hardship I am in, I always make it through being okay. Maybe not wonderful but okay and to me that is comforting to know.
So drinking and marijuana definetely are not for me. I know that it is something I use for the moment and that is never helpful because I don’t work through my emotions in a good state of mind. I do get to see my children today, this is the highlight of my day so far. Once I do see them I know I will feel way more positive about my good decisions. My children have always came first in my life. So it has been hard not having them in my life daily.
I am thankful for their father. If it wasn’t for him, I don’t know where or who our children would be with. Even though their father and I are not together, I know that our children are safe with him and I know in time I will see mychildren more. Focusing on bettering my mental health has been the Journey but I wouldn’t say it has all been bad. I am still here, alive, and well. To me that is some good effort. I refuse to allow my mental health control my life. This is my healing Journey and I am happy with the outcome so far.