Grief

Healing can be challenging sometimes for myself. I find it is sometimes very hard to overcome an emotion. Grief, I know I am not the only one who is grieving. How do you know what stage you are at in the grieving circle?

There are 7 stages of grieving: Shock, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance and Hope, Processing grief. I could sit here and explain each stage but I am not going to do that. All I know is that this grieving I am going through is the most difficult thing I have ever had to go through.

I have grieved before but never to the amount that I have now with my son, who is in the arms of the angels. I am still learning how to live a good life during all of this. I still make mistakes because that happens.

For myself I find that I don’t want to cry even though thats what I need. I need to cry and work through the emotions but I would prefer to smoke marijuana, or drink the thoughts away. I was sober for well over a month and I recently had some drinks for the past 2 days.

I think I am having a hard time accepting what has happened and I am searching everywhere else and expecting everyone else to take my pain away. When I know that I have to work through all of it on my own in a sense. I still reach out but I can’t expect anyone to take my pain away. Which unfortunately I do this.

I want to go to groups, aa meetings but I am alone and I am terrified to do it all alone. Being an adult is hard sometimes. Making decisions are hard sometimes. Even with every post I sometimes find myself overthinking them, or feeling like it is a waste of time. Even though I know it helps me emotionally.

I Regret making the decision that I did to abort my son. He deserved a good life and I took that from him. I also took from myself. So my grieving over my son has taken a toll on this brain of mine and I am still trying to work through it every moment of everyday. It is tiring to do alone. In the end of it all, it is just me and my brain that needs to heal. That has been hard to accept, it is still a struggle for me to accept it all. I know I will get there in time.

So with that being said. If you are grieving any loss, you are not alone even if you feel like it. Your alone but not alone because there are supports out here in this world. Just need to toughen up and reach out which I find is the hardest part. I am proud of myself for taking the steps toward good healing. Yes I still make mistakes but we all do. It is all about learning. Having the knowledge of myself and taking action to create a better mental state for ourselves. That my rant. lol

Stay Shining

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