I am happy to say that even though I have been through as much as I have, I have gained back my self control. I still have days I am off but thats normal for each individual. I used to judge myself in such a negative way. It was all the time. I find that when I switch that thought to a positive as quickly as I can then I am not so upset. Or if I talk about the feeling with someone.
I used to think I was all alone. I am but not entirely. I have come to a realization that in order for my Mental Health to be at a good spot, I need to put myself first. I do have children and when I gave them to their father full-time, thats when everything changed in my mind.
I slowly was isolating myself and pushing others away. I honestly didn’t want to feel the way I was feeling, think the way I was thinking, I didn’t want anything to do with a lot of things. The voices in my head were so strong I would get angry. Not at others but myself.
In May of 2022, I noticed a big change in my mind. Thats when I would walk barefoot from London to my home on Oneida. Or at least try too. There was one specific time I was walking toward Oneida and as I got about half way, I noticed a huge switch in my brain. I became an “Old Man” so to speak, in my mind. It’s almost as if it was a scene out of a horror film. Only without the tragic parts that are usually in the films. I guess to me, the only way to explain it is as if I was possessed by more than a few entities.
During that walk I was calling myself a “Stupid White Bitch” or the entity was. He was also asking for his white horse and satchel. He also spoke of his Bow and Arrow. As I was walking along the bridge, a very nice woman and her daughter picked me up. It was as soon as they spoke to me that I fully realized what I was doing. Walking barefoot toward my home. They offered me a ride to where I was going and I accepted.
I was given a ride back to my place in town by a family member. They were worried too. Everyone was worried. I was extremely worried about myself and I eventually recieved the help that I needed. I can write about my experience with psychosis and how it played out and made me feel. I was Embarrassed, Ashamed, Angry at what had happened. I understand now that I had no control at the time and I never hurt anyone physically, Thank God.
I definetly will write more of my experience when I can. For now I am going to stop here. I hope everyone is well, and please stay kind to each other.