“The Old Man”

I am happy to say that even though I have been through as much as I have, I have gained back my self control. I still have days I am off but thats normal for each individual. I used to judge myself in such a negative way. It was all the time. I find that when I switch that thought to a positive as quickly as I can then I am not so upset. Or if I talk about the feeling with someone.

I used to think I was all alone. I am but not entirely. I have come to a realization that in order for my Mental Health to be at a good spot, I need to put myself first. I do have children and when I gave them to their father full-time, thats when everything changed in my mind.

I slowly was isolating myself and pushing others away. I honestly didn’t want to feel the way I was feeling, think the way I was thinking, I didn’t want anything to do with a lot of things. The voices in my head were so strong I would get angry. Not at others but myself.

In May of 2022, I noticed a big change in my mind. Thats when I would walk barefoot from London to my home on Oneida. Or at least try too. There was one specific time I was walking toward Oneida and as I got about half way, I noticed a huge switch in my brain. I became an “Old Man” so to speak, in my mind. It’s almost as if it was a scene out of a horror film. Only without the tragic parts that are usually in the films. I guess to me, the only way to explain it is as if I was possessed by more than a few entities.

During that walk I was calling myself a “Stupid White Bitch” or the entity was. He was also asking for his white horse and satchel. He also spoke of his Bow and Arrow. As I was walking along the bridge, a very nice woman and her daughter picked me up. It was as soon as they spoke to me that I fully realized what I was doing. Walking barefoot toward my home. They offered me a ride to where I was going and I accepted.

I was given a ride back to my place in town by a family member. They were worried too. Everyone was worried. I was extremely worried about myself and I eventually recieved the help that I needed. I can write about my experience with psychosis and how it played out and made me feel. I was Embarrassed, Ashamed, Angry at what had happened. I understand now that I had no control at the time and I never hurt anyone physically, Thank God.

I definetly will write more of my experience when I can. For now I am going to stop here. I hope everyone is well, and please stay kind to each other.

Stay Shining

Schizophrenia

“Schizophrenia is a serious mental disorder in which people interpret reality abnormally.”

I was recently diagnosed with Schizophrenia, September 9, 2022 to be exact. I never knew the severity of psychosis that comes with the diagnosis.

“Psychosis is Characterized as disruptions to a persons thoughts and perceptions that make it difficult for people to recognize what is real and what isn’t.”

I was stuck in my mind, almost as if I wasnt there at all. I was walking for hours at a time and bare foot at that. In my mind I was told I have these great powers. I was told some dark things that would happen and one of those things came true. I was fighting for my life while being stuck in a cage within myself.

I started praying because I didn’t know what else to do. I still pray as I write this. I was “walking with the Devil” so to speak. Although the Devil has no power over this woman. Thats what was in my head. I have conquered the messed up reality in my head and I will continue to do so.

I have scared many people, including my family. Not happy about this but I hope they understand that I wasn’t well at all at the time. I still have those voices in my head and I still see things but I know that I have a good coping strategy that I do use.

I had an appointment yesterday with a psychiatrist who explained very well what is happening in this brain of mine. I am not the only person who has or is going through this. It is scary to have thoughts of things that I never ever thought I would be having. Or hearing things that no one would ever want to hear.

My brain is still all over but it is a work in progress. I have learned so many new, good coping skills and I will continue to do so. I Love writing and thats what I have been doing. Writing with a pen and paper of course. The thought of posting it all on here is there but I would rather keep it nice and sweet in these moments. I am not ready to exploit my own embarrassing thoughts, feelings. At least not yet.

Today is September 20, 2022 and this is the first time typing since my last post that I shared while I was very unwell. So please do be kind, and kindness will be shown to you. I mean I am usually always kind despite the rude people. Anyways I just felt the need to type this morning, Thankfully.