June 3, 2022

Stay Shining

Today is my ex’s Birthday. I sent him his Birthday wishes at midnight last night. This man is so Intelligent, Wise, Hillarious, He is so Loved. Amazing father to his 4 Beautiful children. He is always going the extra mile to get what the kids need and want. Always has and Always will. So happy that he is the father of our Children.

My ex is a tall, dark, handsome man. He is a “go getter” type of person. He wants something he works his but off to get it.

I remember he would do body rolls across the bed or floor. hahahaha it was the best. His smile brightens a room. I can go on about it all honestly. I am sure I will think of more memories.

I actually hurt this mans heart. He had done nothing wrong to me at the time I made a decision to go and have drinks with a couple cousins and their men. We went to a motel, drank, danced, chilled.

I cheated on him that night. I didnt sleep at all. I had a shower and started walking back home to the reserve at 6am. I found a phone and called my Mom, asked her to pick me up. She drove into Lambeth with Adele. I started crying from the guilt. I told my mom I was raped.

I knew damn well I wasnt raped. How dare I make someone innocent, look guilty. They drove me to my ex’s and dropped me off. I lied to him and told him that I was raped. As I sat out back of his house, a spider crawled on me and it bit me. I took that as a sign that your making a really bad decision.

I went as far as to go into the rape centre to get testing done. I feel so GROSS writing this story. After this life went on. Only I had to carry the guilt with me until I told him the truth 2 Years later!

After we had our first child together. I remember sitiing on the couch. He asked me, did you cheat on me? He asked me this everyday since the day I can remember. I finally took a deep breath, looked at him and said, yes I did cheat on you. I explained to him the story of when I went drinking with my 2 cousins.

No matter the pain, he stayed with me. Things were never the same after that. I was never that “type” of person. I am not a cheater, why on earth did I do that to an inoccent, sweet guy?

This is one of the times I wish I could go back and say no to going out with my cousins. I should have just gone back to my ex’s house. I cannot change the past. I can only accept the pain I have caused, ask for forgiveness. Apologise for all my wrongs, the hurt I caused others.

The hardest part of all this is sitting in those hurtful emotions. I made mistakes but I am not a Horrible person. I can and will admit my wrongs. So no matter the pain, I am going to stay Strong. I am going to continue fighting those “Demons”. Love myself for being so Honest and Truthful. I am gonna push it today, Push hard to work through all of the Negative things I keep telling myself. We are all human and in my eyes the negatives in this world is way too much work, compared to the Positives.

Thank you A

She was hesitant at first. She still helped me. She wanted to have coffees and talk. I eventually pushed her away, after all the support she had shown me.

I was walking with my Mom today and I seen a car pull into a parking lot. I have seen this car often. So I watched as the car turned out and drove off. I was staring and seen the driver with their hood on pulled tight. I don’t know how they could see while driving.

I started laughing and my mom said “what?”. I told her who I thought it was. I think my family thinks I am crazy. I also do think I am crazy as well but in a good way. Odd ball. Better yet I am very unique. Lol

I texted her, she replied. So when we get together I am gonna ask her. Hopefully I am not crazy. Hahahahaha

Stay Shining

Curiosity

I am curious to know how women and men want to be treated? Do we all want to be treated the same? Or is our look on life completely different?

After all we all have the same emotions. I am trying to understand everything. Like I have been born again. Lol I suppose that’s a good thing. I just want to know everything about everything. It’s pretty cool. I am learning a lot. About myself as well as others and we all are not much different at all. What’s your thoughts?

Stay Shining 💫

Hey Lady!

Moon sister. Not blood related but related by invisible adoption. Said by me. Hahahah I want you to know how Amazing you are. No matter how hard things get. You always, always find the strength to get out of it.

It has been a very, very tough few years. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. I mean that. I Love you sister. Too the Moon and back. I am so proud of all of your accomplishments. You are a really good mom. Tell your son I said hello. Thank your man for me for not giving up. Love you

Stay Shining

Intimacy

“Close familiarity or friendship; closeness.”

I crave intimacy, not sexually. emotionally, friendships are what I crave. I enjoy company of other so, so much. There is so much more to life than just “sex”. I remember being misserable and I would push my ex away. I was rude, inconciderate, disrespectful. I was Majorly depressed.

I was Majorly depressed from my past. My childhood. It took a lot of Strength, Courage, Hope, Honesty, Forgiving not only myself but others too. I have been to the deepest, Scariest moments in my life. Too many to count. I have always been a danger to myself but not others.

Never wanted to blame others for their actions because it is them who needs to realize their place in the situation. No control, I always wanted to have some type of control over something but so does everyone. Mine was intimacy before.

I went from lack of sex drive, to high sex drive. That doesn’t mean I am going to lower my worth and find pleasure elsewhere. If get the jist of what I am saying. Communication, Friendship, Love, Honesty, Respect, Trust, Hope. All of it. Thats my thoughts on this. lol

Stay Shining

Men

I was told by a very wise man, that “The hard Love people were given was not the proper love they needed.” I completely understand this. It is hard for many of us. It really did traumatize a lot of people. To make someone feel unloved. Whether it was unintentional or taught. It is not okay.

What is okay is saying sorry, saying yes, I made a mistake, Yes I cry, Yes I get angry. Everything is okay to feel.

I also want to add that there is one specific man I was talking to and he was so positive. Very supportive. We no longer talk. I understand why. I am okay with this.

I do hope he is well. I hope he also understands that he has helped me so, so much. He is very Inspirational in my eyes.

I swear every person I meet, I can see who they really are as an Individual. Sometimes it takes a while but mostly I can see. Men don’t have to be “hard”. You can still be “manly” if your respectful, kind, caring, loving. We are all human after all. My friend also told me, “Supporters need support too.”

Stay Shining

Sister from another Mr.

The first time I met you, I could feel your pain. I am 100 percent serious. You also were very intimidating if I am being completely honest. Thats your Strength, Your not afraid to say what needs to be said. You grew on me, You were my bestfriend. My sister from another mister. Hahaha

I hope you don’t mind that I do still consider you my sister. So what if our Parents are not together. That shouldn’t change the respect we have for each other. You are my sister, don’t care what anyone thinks, honestly. Hahaha

I see your beauty inside and out. How hard you fight, Your strength withing yourself. You have always been one of my favorite people. I hope you can forgive me for any pain I have caused you. I appreciate you. I thank you for being you and not being afraid. Sisterly love to you.

Stay Shining

No More Stolen Sisters!

With all of this going on in my head, I think aboutthe beautiful woman who’s lives were taken too soon because of disgusting pigs that live among us. Yes I called them Disgusting Pigs.

It breaks my heart everytime I see the struggle. If I am scared then I can only imagine the fear of those Beautiful souls. How can we stop the murders and stolen woman of our indiginous nations?

Honestly, I would rather be paranoid. That makes me human. I keep calling myself schizophrenic. I am Not. Hahaha not that there is anything wrong with being unique. Spread awareness of the huge problems happening.

Stay Shining

Paranoia

“The feeling that you’re being threatened in some way, such as people watching you, even though there’s no proof that it’s true.”

I walk, I love walking. I wrote about this before. I am convinced that men are following me. I do plan on making a report. I see the same exact vehicles, people. It terrifies me. Gotta follow my gut feeling that something is very wrong. I don’t like this at all.e paranoid but I feel I have reason to be.

Says all the people who get paranoid. Hahaha I am okay I swear. Just working through everything. I am scared. I am okay though. Just gotta refresh my thoughts.

It is normal to be paranoid sometimes, you know? That is the defense mechanism sensing something isn’t right. I know this but just in case, I thought I would write my thoughts and feelings on this one.

Stay Shining

Jealousy

” A complex emotion that encompasses feelings ranging from suspicion, Rage, to Fear, to Humiliation.”

Oh I used to be jealous of all the beautiful looking woman. It really effected me negatively 100 percent. I would get so mad at my exes for even taking a little peek.

I was Jealous because of beauty from the outside. As we all have I am sure. I now realize that I am just as Beautiful as anyone else on this planet, inside and out. I am worthy of being alive and loving myself.

So much Gratitude for human beings. I am unsure why but I Love it. 😁

Stay Shining