All of You

The thought that maybe it is what I think it is. I don’t want to say it. I can’t say it. I don’t want to say it. I am gonna say it.

I Love you, all of you. From the cute smile, boysterous laugh, the beautiful soul you are. You see different than I do. As you see me different than what I see.

I see you, I want you. I can’t have you though. I need to heal. I need to love myself whole before I am ready to give my heart again. You are my best friend and I Love you. All of you.

What is this, Hahaha just had to come out I guess. I hope you like it. I actually love it. lol

Stay Shining

Writing

Writing about writing. Funny concept, I was sitting here thinking…. I want to write but I don’t know what to write about. So write about writing it is. Hahaha

I believe writing is very beneficial for mental health. It is like a counciling session with yourself. Me I can write all the bad situations, thoughts, feelings, emotions. I can then try to understand why it is the way it is. If there is no answer at the moment then I am meant to wait for that answer.

Writing for me is very instantanious. Unless I don’t have a paper and a pen with me. I have to wait to write it down. You know when you feel like you have to do something and you are unsure why. Hahaha thats me with writing.

I had a conversation with a friend today about journaling. Her doctor reccommended it, I said yes. She said she thought about myself, her son, and daughter in those moments. We also talked about how we give such good positive advice to others but not ourselves. This is true, All the positive, kind words that we say to others. We can turn that advice around and use it ourselves. Pretty cool. Hahaha

The most simplest thing, writing, or if you don’t write make audios. There are different ways to express yourself to yourself. Always remember to stay kind to yourself because you are most important!

Stay Shining

Grandma Jean

Strongest woman I have ever known! She was a Beautiful woman inside and out. My grandma was the main caregiver for every single one of us! I mean that, all of us she put before herself. She taught me Respect, Loyalty, Honesty, Strength.

My grandma welcomed anyone with open arms. You didn’t have a place to stay, she would either welcome you to stay at her home or she would find somewhere for them to go.

Although I got to see her true Beauty, people called her “mean jean.” I never understood why until I got older. She was Stubborn and had a bad temper. Quick to anger, not her fault. She had a rough life as well.

My grandma was adopted. She had two adopted siblings, a female and a male. Her biological family on her moms side, she had three siblings. Three sisters, she would be added as the fourth girl. I am unsure why she was adopted. I was probably told but don’t remember.

My grandma was a PSW, there were no equipment to use in her working days. So all PSW’s would have to physically lift. my grandma worked until she retired. I can’t recall how old I was. Maybe 9 or 10. She loved baking cakes and decorating them, canning, Cross words, Tetris (she was awesome at this game), Yahtzee, Scrabble, Cards, Soap Opera’s, Coffee, and she smoked a lot.

Dancing was her thing when she was happy. She would tap her feet and clap her hands. Humming and sometimes singing. Her smile lit up the room. Yes, she had flaws but we all do. I am so thankful she is/was my grandmother.

My grandma Jean barely drank alcohol. She was actually the one to keep my grandpa in check. My mom thinks that if her dad, my grandpa didn’t have my grandma there for him. He most likely would of become an everyday drinker.

My grandma and grandpa had five children. four live births, one still birth. The still birth was a boy. Unknown if they named him. The order of live births is Female, Female, Female, Male. My mom is the fourth child of the five. The baby boy was born second.

One of my aunt’s had six children but killed herself (committed suicide)

So that left our family broken, I still think of my aunt a lot. I know she is okay for sure. I feel it, Despite all of the trauma and pain my grandma had endured in her life; “she was as strong as whatever the strongest thing may be.” Hahaha Love that woman

Stay Shining

Beal

Grade 9, I started at Beal. There I met my best friend as a teen. She was sitting so proper and when you looked at her she looked Serene. I was drawn to her. Wouldn’t you know it we were almost inseperable for years.

We stopped talking, we were going our seperate ways. She also had many friends other than me. I miss her so, so much. She was one of the coolest people I had ever met. Not kidding. Kind, respectful, she also had a flame in her. She was not afraid to stand up for what was right.

I do miss her so, so much. Sometimes we fall and we fall hard. I wish she could know how strong and beautiful she is.

Stay Shining

Hills

I can do this, is what I remind myself. I can push as hard as I can to get up the hill as best as I can. Exhillarating the pain, sweat, control of my breath. They say “no pain, no gain”, “You will feel weak while your getting stronger”.

The hard work I put myself up for is healthy. I have control over when I walk, unless something comes up. You know, the things I cannot control. Other than that it is all my choice. No one is forcing me to do anything. It is all me, me knowing my worth and walking because I Love it.

Once upon a time I used to run. I loved running. Until about 2018, my right knee popped out of place. Now I have to be very aware of my walking. Keeping my knees strong.

Just before I power up those hills, I prepare myself with breathing. In through the nose and out through the mouth as best as I can. 35 Days Sober!

Stay Shining

Strawberry moon

35 days Sober. Tonight is the Strawberry moon. The beginning of Strawberry season. There is a story that goes with this. I am gonna have to ask around and hopefully I will get more knowledge about it. Traditionally is what I am talking about. Today is Important.

The more tired I am, the more strength I am building. I may be feeling weak but I know I am getting Stronger. Freedom of choice to wellbriety. I am so Thankful for all the people in my life good or bad.

Stay Shining