Why can’t I leave it alone?

What can I say, we all have had our first crush. My first crush was a boy in Kindergarden or grade one. Such a cutie he was. You wouldn’t think being that young, that you would be thinking the way I was. It is actually very disturbing to me.

This is where I really want to remember what I can’t remember. If you understand what I mean? It is with that heavy heart feeling that I know something more has happened to me. I just cannot seem to dig it out. Even writing this I started having intrusive thoughts.

Breath, Refocus, positive thoughts. I am in the now and I know the past is the past but there is still a lot of trauma that I need to work through. Figuring out what it is, is the tricky part. Open minded, Accepting, why can’t I just leave it alone?

Healing is probably the best choice I have ever made in my life. Am I tired, Absolutely but a very good tired. Sometimes it is hard to sleep because I want to enjoy every moment now. It is a very good feeling.

To anyone who is struggling with Alcohol and Addiction, It may seem impossible but I am telling you it is possible. You need to have that faith. Faith that you can overcome those things. You will see what you can accomplish by just sitting in a moment, feeling, emotion. Let it flow. “Flow like a river”

Stay Shining

Tik Tok

Oh yes, I was one of those mommas who tried to make videos on tik tok. I Loved it but realized how uncomfortable I was with myself. I felt embarrassed, kind of creepy. Lol Others didn’t think so but in my own mind, I was very hard on myself.

The first person I loved to watch was The husband and wife. Why I can’t remember her name. Basically everyone was or is obsessed with her husband. Hahaha This woman herself is a Strong, funny, compassionate woman.

The second one I really loved was this man’s healing story. He was walking everyday, Loving himself unconditionally. It really inspired me but all I was doing at the time was drinking. I remember he would play games with people on Live. Amazing man, so Proud of them.

So even though it wasn’t for me, I still remember the passion and Love those two specific people showed to others and themselves. Respect. 😁

I was so obsessed with tik tok to the point I was staying up until 5am watching videos, knowing damn well I had to be up with the kids. I did it though. I still got up. Power of being a Mom. Hahaha Miss those kids so, so much.

Stay Shining

Diagnosis

Labelling; “describing someone or something in a word or short phrase.”

My labels are: Post traumatic Stress Disorder (ptsd), Generalized anxiety disorder, Major Depression, Borderline Personality Traits (not disorder), Social anxiety.

Looks like a heck of a lot, doesn’t it. In my eyes I am none of those. Let me explain.

PTSD, most likely childhood trauma. I am okay with this because I would never want to hurt another human being.

Generalized anxiety disorder, I worry a lot it is okay to an extent. I am working on it.

Major Depression, I have bad days but in the end of those days I know I am going to be okay.

Borderline Personality traits, I got lost for a long while but I am acknowledging who I am as an individual.

Social Anxiety, I really don’t want to say the wrong thing to someone. Nothing wrong with that.

I am a very emotionally intuned person. I am okay with this. This is my Strength. The emotions are what I crave everyday. Bad or good. It drives me to be who I am meant to be. Whatever that may be. My Healing has only begun. Day 34

Stay Shining

Intuitive

“Using or based on what one feels to be true even without conscious reasoning; instinctive.”

My instincts are very strong. I almost feel as if people are following me. As scary as that sounds, I definetely think I am overthinking. I have told my Mom, Ex, and I am sure Nicole.

I cried today because I have convinced myself that people are following me. I was talking to my ex, he didn’t laugh but kind of looked worried. He reassured me that no one is following me. I cried because what if I am schizophrenic. Bahaha not the first time I have thought this.

Accepting the feelings and emotions is what I am working on. So I am constantly “Self Checking” like my friend reccommended. I also have that instinct to pick up a pen or start typing. It’s like I just know something. Figuring out what is making me think this is important.

I also refuse to stop walking just because of a paranoia. Gonna have to invest in some extra safety gear. To feel unsafe at anytime is not my thing. Fear is not going to stop me from doing the things I love to do.

Stay Shining

Robin Wall Kimmerer – Braiding Sweetgrass

Skywoman Falling

*Adapted from oral tradition and Shenandoah and George, 1988.

The story I am about to write is a copy from my book, given to me by a good friend.

She fell like a maple seed, pirouetting on an autumn breeze.* A column of light streamed from a hole in the Skyworld, marking her path where only darkness had been before. It took her a long time to fall. In fear, or maybe hope, she clutched a bundle tightly in her hand.

Hurtling downward, she saw only dark water below. But in that emptiness there were many eyes gazing up at the sudden shaft of light. They saw there a small object, a mere dust mote in the beam. As it grew closer, they could see that it was a woman, arms outstretched, long black hair billowing behind as she spiraled toward them.

The geese nodded at one another and rose together from the water in a wave of goose music. She felt the beat of their wings as they flew beneath to break her fall. far from the home she’d ever known, she caught her breath at the warm embrace of soft feathers as they gently carried her downward. And so it began.

The geese could not hold the woman above water for much longer, so they called a council to decide what to do. Resting on their wings, she saw them all gather: loons, swans, beavers, fish of all kinds. A great turtle floated in their midst and offered his back for her to rest upon. Gratefully, she stepped from the goose wings onto the dome of his shell. The others understood that she needed land for her home and discussed how they might serve her need. The deep divers among them had heard of mud at the bottom of the water and agreed to go find some.

Loon dove first, but the distance was to far and after a long while he surfaced with nothing to show for his efforts. One by one, the other animals offered to help-Otter, Beaver, Sturgeon-but the depth, the darkness, and the pressures were to great even for the strongest of swimmers. They returned gasping for air with their heads ringing. Some did not return at all. Soon only Muskrat was left, the weakest diver of all. He volunteered to go while the others looked on doubtfully. His small legs flailed as he worked his way downward and he was gone a very long time.

Thet waited and waited for him to return, fearing the worst for their relative, and, before long, a stream of bubbles rose with the small, limp body of the Muskrat. He had given his life to aid this helpless human. But then the others noticed his paw was tightly clenched and, when they opened it, there was a small handful of mud. Turtle said, “Here, put it on my back and I will hold it.”

Skywoman bent and spread the mud with her hand across the shell of the turtle. Moved by the extraordinary gifts of the animals, she sang in thanksgiving and then began to dance, her feet caressing the earth. The land grew and grew as she danced her thanks, from the dab of mud on Turtle’s back until the whole earth was made. Not by skywoman alone, but from the alchemy of all the animals’ gifts coupled with her deep gratitude. Together they formed what we know as Turtle Island, our home.

Like any good guest, Skywoman had not come empty-handed. The bundle was still clutched in her hand. When she toppled from the hole in the Skyworld she had reached out to grab onto the Tree of LIfe that grew there. In her grasp were branches-fruits and seeds of all kinds of plants. These she scattered these onto the new ground and carefully tended each one until the world turned from brown to green.

Sunlight streamed through the hole from the Skyworld, allowing the seeds to flourish. Wild grasses, flowers, trees, and medicines spread everywhere. And now that the animals, too, had plenty to eat, many came to live with her on Turtle Island.

My favorite story since I was younger. Hope you Love it as much as I do.

Stay Shining