The Guilt, Shame, Judgement, Sadness, Anger, Love. All of the hard emotions. I Never ever thought that me of all people would make a decision that dragged me down unbearably.
I found out I was pregnant with my 5th child in October 2021. I was Shocked to say the least. I was taking birth control, missed a couple doses the month prior. This is going to raise a lot of hate towards me.
I told my ex. At the time we were trying to work things out, yet again. Things were going so good between my ex and I. Besides the drinking, so I suppose I am being untrue to myself. I thought it was good.
My ex didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what to say. I understand why. We have 4 beautiful children together and he is now the full caregiver of them all. I was excited but not because of my mental health. I have always gotten post partum. So major depression and post partum, makes an insane lady. Lol not funny but trying to find the humor.
I don’t blame him for becoming distant with me when I told him. His entire demeanor changed when I showed him the positive test. Nothing was good anymore. It was a mess, I was not okay. I could barely take care of myself and the children I have now.
I had my cousin staying with me at the time. She didn’t like that I was smoking heavily while pregnant and constantly reminded me. It made me want to smoke more. She helped me see that I am not okay and I am in denial about not being able to take care of another child.
Again I don’t blame her. My sister was so, so happy. It broke my heart to tell her I have made my decision to have an abortion. Crying while writing this because it hurts, I don’t want to tell this part.
I made the decision to abort because I knew if I brought him into this world, he was not going to have the best life that I could have given him if I wasn’t so unwell. I cried, cried, cried, by myself. Alone! I didn’t have my ex to comfort me. My sister was the person who was right beside me the entire time.
She was my breath at the time. I didn’t want to kill my baby. I wanted to Love him, care for him, give him the best life. I just knew I couldn’t. I had already tried to kill myself more than twice. How could I do that? How can I be so selfish?
I drank a lot, started to use cocaine a lot more. I was not okay. Not while I was pregnant for the cocaine. Yes, let’s add more truth. As soon as I knew what I was going to do. I started drinking. My baby didn’t deserve that one bit. I feel so sad and ashamed. My Truth. My Guilt, My pain.
I lied to my Mom, and others. I told them Nathaniel didn’t survive in the womb. That ate me alive to lie like that. It literally took my heart and soul. I hated myself, I always have.
February 11, 2022 my baby boy was taken from the womb. February 10th, 2022 was when I killed my beautiful son. Nathaniel, my baby. It hurts so so much! Worst thing in Life I have ever done!
I Love my babies so much, I want what’s best for them. I wanted my boy, I have a hard time bearing the pain, as I should. My Healing Journey has been very tough. It took a lot of peoples positive affirmations for me to finally realize that we are all human. We all struggle, we need to be there for each other more in a Positive way. Praise each other. Show Love, Appreciation, Gratitude.
My Love for others is not fake, I am not posing to be someone I am not. I am just as “normal” as everyone else on this planet. I have flaws, secrets (not anymore), pain. I also choose not to be like everyone else because I have a lot of Love to give not only to others. I am still Learning to Love myself. It is taking time and it is teaching me patience at the same time.
This is me, my story, I am not hiding anymore, it is too exhausting.