D.O.G

The story of our Amazing dog that I really don’t deserve. I say I don’t deserve her because I all she wanted was Love and I pushed her away. Everytime I cry she is right there, looking at me. She wants to comfort me and I push her away.

My mom was in a relationship with a man from our community. I call it a community because someone reminded me that the “white” people called it reserves. Yes I am white and an Aboriginal woman. I am proud to be.

Carrying on… my Mom’s boyfriend’s sister, couldn’t properly take care of her. I understood why and I accepted to bring her into my home. When I tell you I was terrified of D.O.G. I was scared of her. Hahahaha only because she was so excited that she was litterally smiling, showing her teeth. Her breasts were engorged from the milk supply. She had puppys young, only a year old I do believe. Thats animals for you.

As time went on I paid attention to her, still very distant. She definetley deserved a better life. I do want to say I don’t abuse her or anything. She is such an Amazing dog. She is a very good listener. She does get into garbage every once in a long while. Or eat your food off of the plate you left at the table. Lol she is a dog after all.

I am so Thankful that her previous caregiver gave her to me. I feel like a really s****y person. I am gonna be okay, just took me a long time to realize a lot of things going on in my brain.

The first time I was told her name I thought the owner said tetyotsi. I think that is the correct spelling. That is from Oneida Language. Hahaha I am pretty sure it means salt. Anyways, I laughed so hard when I asked her how to spell it. She had to tell me about three times that it is spelled just like dog.

Unfortunately, I know she is coming to the end of her life. She is 12 now. She is so tired. She has shown me so many signs. I feel like she is telling me to be ready, 100 percent. I cried and cried because she was crying.

I actually wanted to write this from a blogger I follow. She posted something about dogs. It was very true and it really hit me. So yeah been on my mind all day.

Stay Shining

Projection

“The mental process by which people attribute to others what is in their own mind”. So all the times I sit here and tell myself people are judging me or don’t like me it is actually just me attacking me.

This is something I am working very hard to better. I do Love me, I have always loved me but I got lost somewhere. I am coming back to my positive self that I once was. Except this time I will be able to do it with Love towards myself and not just others.

I am Amazed at how far I have come from only 32 days ago. I am not feeling hopeless. If or when I do, I remember all of the accomplishments I have made for myself.

I will say this time and time again that yes I am doing the work but my knowledge comes from other people that I talk to. I learn by conversations, stories. I am a tad slow for response because my brain is just a little more special. I don’t mind this at all. It gives me time when I am by myself to reflect on the conversations. Write them out. Learn about the emotions that come with those and why I feel that emotion. There I go rambling again. Hahaha

Stay Shining

Fight, Flight, Fright

Well I started crying in the grocery store. Not because of anyone else. I seen a Mom who used to take care of me sometimes when she would have me over for sleepovers with her daughter. Her daughter and I were best friends when we were younger. I seen her and I got scared. I don’t understand why just yet. I turned the corner and started to tear up.

I wanted to say hi, it was that fight, flight, fright. I tried to dissapear so fast. I am working on it. Just brings up so many good memories of my childhood. As soon as I got “lost”, I wasn’t allowed to see my best friend anymore. I understand why though. I was becoming a bad influence on her daughter. I am so sorry. I know I can’t go back in time.

You treated me like your own. I appreciate you and Love you for that. I am learning how to work through this thing called life. Thank you and I am gonna try to fight through those fears.

Stay Shining

The heart stone

The timing was just phenomenal when I was gifted the heart stone. It was the most appreciated gift I have received. All gifts are appreciated but due to the circumstances.

This Amazing woman who has struggled much more than I have. Took the time to show me how much care a person does give. How selfless that was. Even though she had no idea what was going on in my life. She knew I was struggling. Love!

Her Beauty shines more than a thousand stars, inside and out. I Thank you for being such an Inspiration in my life. I see you, you are a Beautiful Soul.

Stay Shining

Nathaniel

The Guilt, Shame, Judgement, Sadness, Anger, Love. All of the hard emotions. I Never ever thought that me of all people would make a decision that dragged me down unbearably.

I found out I was pregnant with my 5th child in October 2021. I was Shocked to say the least. I was taking birth control, missed a couple doses the month prior. This is going to raise a lot of hate towards me.

I told my ex. At the time we were trying to work things out, yet again. Things were going so good between my ex and I. Besides the drinking, so I suppose I am being untrue to myself. I thought it was good.

My ex didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know what to say. I understand why. We have 4 beautiful children together and he is now the full caregiver of them all. I was excited but not because of my mental health. I have always gotten post partum. So major depression and post partum, makes an insane lady. Lol not funny but trying to find the humor.

I don’t blame him for becoming distant with me when I told him. His entire demeanor changed when I showed him the positive test. Nothing was good anymore. It was a mess, I was not okay. I could barely take care of myself and the children I have now.

I had my cousin staying with me at the time. She didn’t like that I was smoking heavily while pregnant and constantly reminded me. It made me want to smoke more. She helped me see that I am not okay and I am in denial about not being able to take care of another child.

Again I don’t blame her. My sister was so, so happy. It broke my heart to tell her I have made my decision to have an abortion. Crying while writing this because it hurts, I don’t want to tell this part.

I made the decision to abort because I knew if I brought him into this world, he was not going to have the best life that I could have given him if I wasn’t so unwell. I cried, cried, cried, by myself. Alone! I didn’t have my ex to comfort me. My sister was the person who was right beside me the entire time.

She was my breath at the time. I didn’t want to kill my baby. I wanted to Love him, care for him, give him the best life. I just knew I couldn’t. I had already tried to kill myself more than twice. How could I do that? How can I be so selfish?

I drank a lot, started to use cocaine a lot more. I was not okay. Not while I was pregnant for the cocaine. Yes, let’s add more truth. As soon as I knew what I was going to do. I started drinking. My baby didn’t deserve that one bit. I feel so sad and ashamed. My Truth. My Guilt, My pain.

I lied to my Mom, and others. I told them Nathaniel didn’t survive in the womb. That ate me alive to lie like that. It literally took my heart and soul. I hated myself, I always have.

February 11, 2022 my baby boy was taken from the womb. February 10th, 2022 was when I killed my beautiful son. Nathaniel, my baby. It hurts so so much! Worst thing in Life I have ever done!

I Love my babies so much, I want what’s best for them. I wanted my boy, I have a hard time bearing the pain, as I should. My Healing Journey has been very tough. It took a lot of peoples positive affirmations for me to finally realize that we are all human. We all struggle, we need to be there for each other more in a Positive way. Praise each other. Show Love, Appreciation, Gratitude.

My Love for others is not fake, I am not posing to be someone I am not. I am just as “normal” as everyone else on this planet. I have flaws, secrets (not anymore), pain. I also choose not to be like everyone else because I have a lot of Love to give not only to others. I am still Learning to Love myself. It is taking time and it is teaching me patience at the same time.

This is me, my story, I am not hiding anymore, it is too exhausting.

Stay Shining

Beautiful Souls

I say Beautiful souls because in my eyes it is not what you look like that makes you a beautiful person. It is your beauty that shines withing. I don’t focus on what people look like. I focus on the heart.

I see it in everyone, not kidding. I see the beautiful in everyone. You can knock me down but at the end of it all you are still Beautiful. Thats the thing with me. I am very forgiving. I also Love to spread Love. Not a bad thing, only when it’s not reciprocated.

I actually learned that from a friend. We all want to be told how beautiful we are but never want to hear it at the same time. Accept that beauty of yours. Thats why I always say stay shining. There is way too much dark in this world. I Love seeing the shine in people. It makes me happy, gives me hope.

So yes, all of you beautiful souls need to break free. Break free from the shame, embarrassment, Negatives. It is work but I quarantee, you won’t regret being your true self. Love all of you, Love all the bad and good. Your a star, You are a beautiful soul.

Stay Shining

Crotchet corner creates

My friend has her own group on Facebook. She is so, so creative. Her work is Phenominal. All handmade, she makes piniata’s too. I actually asked her to make me Penis pillows once. I believe it was five so I could give to my family. Hahaha I do Love the uncomfortable but hillarious reaction I got from them.

An amazing Mom and wife. She is so honest and kind. Understanding. I am Thankful to have her as my friend. She also has been through a hell of a lot. Not my story to tell. It is Wonderful to know that I definetely am Not alone. I am happy I am not “crazy”. Hahaha who am I kidding. I am crazy and I Love it.

Back to my friend, if you read this. I hope and kind of know you will. You are one of the people in my life who have impacted me positively. Thank you for showing me kindness and acceptance. I appreciate you so much. You are a beautiful Soul.

Stay Shining

Sleep

Ever since I have quit drinking. Which is Awesome, my sleep has been effected. Not Awesome that I can’t sleep properly, Awesome that I quit alcohol. There are days I could probably sleep all day. There are times when I can’t seem to stop thinking long enough to shut my brain off.

Sometimes I feel like I am going insane. I am sure I am not the only one. Sleep is so important. Lack of sleep can cause some Negative behaviors. For me I become the worst person toward myself. I will put myself down to the point I am crying until I fall sleep. Yes, Cry.

I have tried sleeping medications from the doctor. I don’t find it beneficial for me personally. There are natural remedies to use to help aid with sleep. Tea’s are good, I have never tried maletonin but I prefer not to.

Thats my problem, not bad but I don’t want to have to rely on medication to sleep. So what I have been doing is trying to be asleep before 12am. Working pretty well, with the acception that I am always up at 5, 6, or 7am.

I want to go back to sleep but my brain is ready to do some positive work today. Lol I must just be excited to think. Hahaha

Stay Shining