Leave the Past in the Past

I remember when my ex and I lived in a different unit than the one I am in now. I have always kept to myself. A very nice woman friended me. I am so sorry I stopped talking to you. You tried so hard to be there for me and I pushed you away. Amazing Mom and Wife. She is a very giving person and it reminded me of myself.

She also had been through a lot because you know, every single person on this planet does. This is why I don’t like to judge people negetively. I loathed being bullied. It made me so damn sad. So I don’t ever want to hurt anyone. As I have already said. I have though, I have hurt many people. I also give up a lot and it is usually pretty quick. Not anyones issue except mine. Lol just putting that out there.

I know that there are people who remember the old me. I am not that teen anymore. I have changed ever since I got pregnant with my first child.

Sometimes it is hard to let go of the past. You are always going to remember things from the past but you cannot allow your past to affect now and the future. They do call it the past for a reason. You can’t change it, only learn from it. Like on the Lion King movie.

It feels really good to me to admit my wrongs. To say I am sorry for my wrongs. To be honest, truthful. I am me, I am doing the best I can as a human being. I am growing and I will continue to do so in a Positive aspect, to the best of my ability.

Stay Shining

I didn’t forget you

I won’t use names unless I have permission to do so. You know respect others privacy while I get out all the good and bad. Respect is very Important. Respect is like the saying, “Treat others how you want to be treated”.

Anyways, I met this man, not in person. A friend of a friend. This was not too Long ago. I was really messed up at the time. I can’t believe I didnt mention him actually. Funny guy, Recovering addict, I cant remember if he was an alcoholic. Thats not the point.

I didnt have any sexual attraction toward him at all. It was nice to be able to talk about things with him. I miss him, he was another very Important person who gave me the Courage to start my Healing Journey. Of course after a while I got attatched because I do that with everyone. I did express my feelings toward him one of those Terrible days that I had the weekend of May 13, 2022. Haha of course I did, you know why. I am just that honest. This man called me just to check on me. I never had that before. So I think that was where that “infatuation” comes from, I think thats the word?

Not the first time it has happened. Lol He shared a lot with me about his personal life. That was unusual to me. Amazing Man and very handsome. He does have a Love for another woman and it is the cutest thing to me. I do wish I could tell everyone elses Love story sometimes. Hahaha I won’t do that though.

We stopped talking because of my state of mind. I was a lot to handle in those times. I still am but I am learning. So thats Important to note. I really am a layed back person, yes I have attatchment issues. So what? I am working on it as I write. I do see all the good in people, I also can sense the negativity of a person. It is very easy for me to feel others feelings. Oh dear, got off track again.

Thank you for not giving up on me, I appreciate the Support you had given me.

Stay Shining

Anxiety day

I get this intense feeling to get out for a long walk. I am very anxious. I am always concerned about what every other person is going to think of me. Like that song: me, myself, and I by G-Eazy. I get a lot of Courage from music. I can relate to all of them in some way. Sad, Angry, Happy, Scared, etc. I must be that Anxious, I think my neighbors are out to get me. Hahahaha Trying to make me feel unwanted. This is all in my thoughts. I feel like they are always watching me. Bahahaha I have got to calm down. It is so hard sometimes to not get overworked. I know or feel like someone is going to say something negative to me. I am not a schizophrenic. At least I havent been diagnosed.

What if we all are a little Schitzophrenic? I would believe that for sure. We are the voices in our own heads. We are the ones who bring our own selves down. We hurt ourselves because we don’t want to hurt anyone else. Hold on I hurt myself because I dont want to hurt anyone emotionally, or physically. I have released the Beast before and I don’t like it. I will if I need to. It takes a lot unless I am drunk. Thank goodness

I dont drink anymore. I am so Proud of myself. I have come a very long way to finally break free from allowing other people to bother me. Maybe I just don’t like people in general. Not true but was a thought. Hahaha I think kindness is the best way to deal with a situation. Do bring the B***h out if you need to. Always try to stay as calm as you can. Like I said, for me personally it takes a lot for me to hurt someone.

Alright, I am gonna go for a walk now. I am too worked up. So deep breaths. I shall be as calm as I can be. I don’t care what people think. I am Beautiful, Strong, Resilient, Kind. I am me.

Stay Shining

When I thought my Soul was going to Die

*Trigger Warning* If you are uncomfortable with suicidal stories, Please move on. I wouldnt ever want anyone to hurt themselves. Reach out to Someone if you or you know someone who is Suicidal. Rememeber you are a Beautiful Star!

I have tried to kill myself more than once in my life. I would snap out of it and tell myself I am okay. I never was okay. Each and evertime I tried to kill myself, I got closer and closer to Death. On May 9,2022 I thought this was the end. I am so Sick of Myself. I don’t deserve to be here for all the wrongs I have done. My children deserve better than this. They are hurting because of me. Everyone would be better off without me. I was planning on killing myself and following through.

Had my ex not disturbed me when he did. I am sure you get the point. Everyone was trying to talk to me. I refused I was still planning on when the best time to go would be. Those feelings are not fake. Those feelings are so real. The timing couldnt be more perfect for my thoughts to think about my friends. The ones who don’t drink, don’t abuse drugs. I decided to message a friend. I told him that on the 9th I gave in. I told him what I was going through. He helped me to work through it. Thank you

After that one conversation, Just one person. I switched my thinking. I kicked out a cousin, stopped talking to a few more people. I accepted that I needed to do this on my own. No one can Save me. Only Me.

As Aweful as it sounds and looks, I am Thankful for that day. I was thinking that my Life has Reason. I am worthy of being a Mom. I am a Good person. How I know this? Lol I am Me, thats why.

I gave my ex full-custody of our children. Still have to sign the papers. When I am healthy enough I will be able to bring them back into my life. As of right now this is just the beginning of my healing. I know damn well I am going to be the best me I can be. No matter the Obstacles.

Hahaha apologies if my spelling and stuff is incorrect.

Stay Shining

The Chocolate Bar

Of all things a Chocolate bar was big part of my guilt for years. Hahaha Sounds silly. Here is the Story.

I cannot remember how old I was at the time. We lived in the house that my Grandfather helped build for my Grandma. I have always loved sweet foods. What kid doesnt? I cant say that actually because my son wasnt ever very interested in chocolate. Anyways……..

I lived with my Grandmother, Cousin, Mom, Brother, and Sister. My cousin didnt allow me to enter his room. As he did with almost everyone. On this one particular day, he announced out loud, “I have a chocolate bar in my room and no one is to go in there”. He left to wherever he was going.

I heard him and I knew he was talking to me because he said it while looking at me. Hahaha as soon as I knew he was gone, I entered into his room and found the chocolate bar he had hidden in the cubby space by his bed. I ate it, not all of it though. I only ate half and put it back.

I am laughing at myself right now because when he got home. Well he was very mad and automatically knew it was me. Before I did it I knew I was going to get into trouble. My thought was, fine I will eat that chocolate bar. Hahaha definetly regreted it afterwards.

Many years later to this day, that story has been retold. I did buy him a chocolate bar, the exact same one I think. I put it in his Birthday gift I do believe. I also wrote a note apologizing for eating half of his chocolate bar. Love you cousin! Forgiveness is the most powerful thing. I learned that from a friend.

Stay Shining

Kill them with Kindness

I find that if you smile, especially in a heated moment. The other person gets very Angry. Why is that. They are not getting the sadness, tears, anger. The person whom is attacking you verbally is actually telling you how they percieve themselves. Like I said, we are our worst Enemies.

So, I have had many heated moments. I cry, get angry, and cry some more. I cry because I want to attack. I dont enjoy hurting people. I would rather hurt myself. I have had way too much ridiculous accusations and pain from other people.

If only I had realized this before. Ha, thats what is so great about being Sober, I can think so clearly. People cause pain because of their own pain. Everyone seemed so tough. They all seemed to be “popular” and no matter how nice I was I still got shit on. They seen my weakness. When someone sees that weakness in you, they use it to their advantage to make themselves feel better.

In reality, this is gonna cause them more pain than the pain they caused you. My thoughts is if someone is calling you out on stuff. Accept it only if it is the truth. If you know it is untrue, call them out on their behavior and words. Hurt, sucks and everyone is hurting. some way, shape, or form.

I find the best response for me is to tell the other person that you do understand how they are feeling. Let them know its okay to be angry, sad, happy. Obviously everyone in this time is unsure of how to deal with stressful situations. Thats when it usually turns to bad Coping skills. You really gotta learn about who you are as an individual. Otherwise you are going to be chasing everyone elses personalities that are Not yours. I can say this from Experience. Hahaha See I just know myself that well. How well do you know yourself?

So I say kill them with kindness. I know who I am, I know I have flaws because we all do. I am just as Beautiful as anyone else on this planet. My own Unique self. I am done being Ashamed of who I am as a person. I am done being Embarrassed of expressing my emotions and feelings. So I will always keep that in the back of my head. “Kill them with Kindness”.

Stay Shining