Walking

Pain, throbbing pain. My feet are so sore and I have more than a few blisters on the bottom and top off my feet. This is how I know it has been a very long time since I have walked this much. Even while walking it is so, so painful.

Like I mentioned before, I Love walking. I have been trying to ease into it so I dont become a vegetable. Hahaha no really, I speed walk, slow down, speed walk, slow down. I do this because my body tells me my limit. Sometimes I dont listen to my body. I guess, I sometimes think I can handle a lot more than what I truly can.

Today was either 3 hours or almost 3 hours. I stopped twice on the way to Walmart so I could have a couple drags off of a cigarette. I am always doing my best not to smoke while I walk. On the way home, I didnt have any smokes! Yes, so Awesome. That is something I am very proud of. I have been smoking since I was 9 years of age. Ridiculous I know, it is what it is.

I am looking forward to making more progress with my walking. I knew I was missing something huge that I loved to do.

Speaking of missing. I am missing my children ever so much! Last night was stressful mentally. I kept getting intrusive thoughts. I eventually went for a walk to the store. walked home. Ate and went to sleep. It is always in the mornings and nights my brain goes into overthinking mode. I have to reassure myself that I am okay. I did very well with working through all those negative thoughts, emotions, feelings.

Stay Shining

June 3, 2022

Today is my ex’s Birthday. I sent him his Birthday wishes at midnight last night. This man is so Intelligent, Wise, Hillarious, He is so Loved. Amazing father to his 4 Beautiful children. He is always going the extra mile to get what the kids need and want. Always has and Always will. So happy that he is the father of our Children.

My ex is a tall, dark, handsome man. He is a “go getter” type of person. He wants something he works his but off to get it.

I remember he would do body rolls across the bed or floor. hahahaha it was the best. His smile brightens a room. I can go on about it all honestly. I am sure I will think of more memories.

I actually hurt this mans heart. He had done nothing wrong to me at the time I made a decision to go and have drinks with a couple cousins and their men. We went to a motel, drank, danced, chilled.

I cheated on him that night. I didnt sleep at all. I had a shower and started walking back home to the reserve at 6am. I found a phone and called my Mom, asked her to pick me up. She drove into Lambeth with Adele. I started crying from the guilt. I told my mom I was raped.

I knew damn well I wasnt raped. How dare I make someone innocent, look guilty. They drove me to my ex’s and dropped me off. I lied to him and told him that I was raped. As I sat out back of his house, a spider crawled on me and it bit me. I took that as a sign that your making a really bad decision.

I went as far as to go into the rape centre to get testing done. I feel so GROSS writing this story. After this life went on. Only I had to carry the guilt with me until I told him the truth 2 Years later!

After we had our first child together. I remember sitiing on the couch. He asked me, did you cheat on me? He asked me this everyday since the day I can remember. I finally took a deep breath, looked at him and said, yes I did cheat on you. I explained to him the story of when I went drinking with my 2 cousins.

No matter the pain, he stayed with me. Things were never the same after that. I was never that “type” of person. I am not a cheater, why on earth did I do that to an inoccent, sweet guy?

This is one of the times I wish I could go back and say no to going out with my cousins. I should have just gone back to my ex’s house. I cannot change the past. I can only accept the pain I have caused, ask for forgiveness. Apologise for all my wrongs, the hurt I caused others.

The hardest part of all this is sitting in those hurtful emotions. I made mistakes but I am not a Horrible person. I can and will admit my wrongs. So no matter the pain, I am going to stay Strong. I am going to continue fighting those “Demons”. Love myself for being so Honest and Truthful. I am gonna push it today, Push hard to work through all of the Negative things I keep telling myself. We are all human and in my eyes the negatives in this world is way too much work, compared to the Positives.

Stay Shining