Memory

So I am sure that I block out a lot of bad in my head sometimes. I walked my Mom to her Work tonight. As I was leaving with my coffee in hand, Music in. I faintly heard someone and seen a movement in my peripheral.

I turned to see who it was. He said his name and said that I had met him once. I don’t recall this one bit. He also stated that he took me out for Dinner.

I am confused, is this some story to get me in his car? That’s my thoughts. Just a bit concerning to me. He said I am very Beautiful. Very Kind of him but I am not interested.

So when I walked home, I took a long way back and made it zig zaggy. Hahaha that’s how worried I was. So I got home and called my ex, told him what happened. He told me not to worry too much. I told my ex, I am telling you just in case something were to happen to me.

I am sure he is a Great guy but he told me he is turning 23. Ummm…… I don’t like to be judgemental. Not Comfortable with that personally. I am gonna try to switch this to a positive.

A “boy” remembers me that well for being so young. Or he is apart of a Trafficking ring (negative). Or he is just Lonely. I Like the first and last better. Hahaha You never can be too careful. I am happy I took extra time to protect my home. I was kind as always, thanked him for his kind words.

Stay Shining

Trigger Warning

Why I couldn’t remember much as a child, was beyond me. I thought that was normal until I found out it isn’t.

I was very sexually Innapropriate. I didn’t know that it was Innapropriate at the time. I just couldn’t understand. To me it wasn’t bad to “explore”.

I would get caught and get into trouble. They would be upset with me, asking me where I learned it from. While I sat at the table embarrassed and unsure where I did learn it from.

This has affected me my entire life. I refuse to “explore” myself. Carrying on, now that I told you that part, this is the next.

I remembered my first Traumatic memory. I don’t remember how old I was. My Uncle was dating a woman on Oneida. She had 4 children, not my uncles. 2 boys and 2 girls.

One of her sons had me lay on the couch, he said “lay straight and don’t F*****g move”. I shook my head yes, he held my arms down tight so I wouldn’t fight him. He began grinding on me. Thankfully my Mom walked in and said ” Get off of her now”.

So, I don’t remember anything at all before this event. I am okay with that. I also forgive the boy for his actions because he didn’t know any better.

Rest in Peace, he died a few years ago I do belive. I wish nothing but Love for people. I am teaching myself to Love me! With that I was told Forgivness I huge. Forgiveness for others as well as yourself. Very, Very Important.

Stay Shining

Trigger Warning

Why I couldn’t remember much as a child, was beyond me. I thought that was normal until I found out it isn’t.

I was very sexually Innapropriate. I didn’t know that it was Innapropriate at the time. I just couldn’t understand. To me it wasn’t bad to “explore”.

I would get caught and get into trouble. They would be upset with me, asking me where I learned it from. While I sat at the table embarrassed and unsure where I did learn it from.

This has affected me my entire life. I refuse to “explore” myself. Carrying on, now that I told you that part, this is the next.

I remembered my first Traumatic memory. I don’t remember how old I was. My Uncle was dating a woman on Oneida. She had 4 children, not my uncles. 2 boys and 2 girls.

One of her sons had me lay on the couch, he said “lay straight and don’t F*****g move”. I shook my head yes, he held my arms down tight so I wouldn’t fight him. He began grinding on me. Thankfully my Mom walked in and said ” Get off of her now”.

So, I don’t remember anything at all before this event. I am okay with that. I also forgive the boy for his actions because he didn’t know any better.

Rest in Peace, he died a few years ago I do belive. I wish nothing but Love for people. I am teaching myself to Love me! With that I was told Forgivness I huge. Forgiveness for others as well as yourself. Very, Very Important.

Stay Shining

Negatives

Emotionally, I am so confused. I don’t like feeling like an option. If I am showing a person that I actually enjoy their company, and continue asking if they would like to visit.

They say your Awesome. You try to Communicate because you are comfortable with that person.

This is sad for me. I understand people are busy and have schedules. As of right now I don’t. So I ask if they would like to visit. Why on earth would you ask me what my schedule is like.

In my eyes I am your friend I am not a patient, client. It really made me feel so confused and now I am Sad. Be upfront with me, Honest. I always do my best to listen in a non Judgmental aspect.

It is frustrating to feel unimportant to someone. That Leads me to the Boundaries I posted. I am thinking I may just cut ties. I don’t want to allow myself to feel less than what I am worth!

Stay Shining

Boundaries

I am always concerned about other people’s boundaries. This is a good thing. What’s even Better is that I am now setting my own Boundaries.

I have stopped trying so hard to Please everyone else’s wants. I want too, you know what I mean.

You want my chocolate bar. I want my chocolate bar. I am going to share my chocolate bar with you because it is so unfair if I didn’t. My Boundarie there is, Yes this is my chocolate bar. You can’t have it all but I will share with you. Share with you what I am comfortable with.

Boundaries are so good. Healthy Boundaries, I have learned that my friend really doesn’t like hugs. I Completely understand and respect her Boundaries. So no more hugs from me. I will accept the hug when she feels the need for one. When she decides.

I am a hugger. Hahaha Obviously, I understand that some people don’t like hugs. Nothing wrong with that. Doesn’t mean your not a nice person. My friend she is one in a million. I wouldn’t want to Disrespect her Boundaries, as I wouldn’t want her to Disrespect mine.

The most important part here for me is to express how I feel. Honesty, Communication(Positively). There is nothing wrong with saying no. You can’t do it?. Then you can’t do it. Simple. It takes time to voice myself but I always do eventually. The timing is usually good. Sometimes not but it needed to be said or expressed. We all have feelings, Boundaries. We are Allowed to Voice ourselves Positively. No need to yell, Simply talk.

Hahaha Boundaries, who knew it was such a good thing to have.

Stay Shining

Soul Mates

Is it just me who Wonders if they have a soul mate somewhere? I thought I had a soul mate. I was Completely wrong. I don’t regret it at all to be honest. My last relationship taught me so much.

My ex and I were unsepperable, we were two very intimate people. It is basically all we did. All the time. Hahaha our communication wasn’t very good at all. I could be wrong, I am sure he will correct me if I am wrong. 11 years and four Beautiful Children.

I taught him about Emotions and he taught me how to have that “Backbone”. So, no were not soul mates. I am okay with that. We had a Good, wild run.

Soul mates, you just know that they are your eternity. It is Incredible, I do believe in Soul Mates. I do Believe one day I will meet mine. If I haven’t already. One Day.

Stay Shining