Putting myself out there

This is probably a hard one to overcome. Today I asked someone if they would want to hang out. I said I would be home all day, then I went for a drive with my Mom. Came back and decided I would stop by the person’s place to see if they still want to have a visit.

Well before my Mom left, I expressed to her that I don’t like feeling anxious. She said just breath. So I did and went to the person’s house. Asked them if they wanted to smoke a joint. They said no I am good for now. Thank you very much but I am busy.

I said ” Oh I am not trying to be creepy or anything”. What in the world, why would I say that? Hahaha Embarrassment. I definitely cried when I got home. I am okay despite them saying no. It was just hard to push myself to go over to ask.

I had to process everything, I started to become negative towards myself. I almost let myself believe, that I am just crazy, no one wants anything to do with me. Maybe they are embarrassed of me or ashamed of me. Who knows.

Positive aspect, I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. That’s a start. Emotions cannot take over my brain. I will accept them as they come and write it all out if I need to.

That’s Strength and Courage right there. I got me, myself, and I. This is what I am trying to Learn. I need to praise myself more. Be kinder to me. Wowza that was a fun one. Not literally. 😅

Stay Shining

Aboriginal

I was born in London, raised on Oneida my home Land. I have always loved everyone around me. Even if I was bullied by anyone, I still was as nice as I could be toward them.

I always thought, why can’t I be mean like everyone else? Why can’t I be a “bad ass”?. Everyone else just seemed so free spirited but the pain that was caused to our people effected how they treat others outside of their own culture.

Yes, I am an Aboriginal but I am as white skinned as a white person. This was hard for me to accept.

I wanted the brown eyes, and beautiful brown skin. Long Dark hair. I wanted to feel apart of my people in whole.

In reality, I will never have any of those attributes as an Aboriginal. I am okay with this because despite how I look doesn’t matter. I Love me, I Love that I am an Aboriginal. I Love all the people who surrounded me growing up, despite the hurt.

Trauma doesn’t just effect certain people. It effects us all. I learned that it was all lies being told to me that I am “Not Good Enough”.

I am a Beautiful White Indiginous person and this is me! I hurt too, we all do but I will not allow any other person in this lifetime to hurt my soul. That shines so bright like the stars in the sky. I am my own Individual and I will always be apart of my roots. No denying that.

I am finding my whole self and I am going to care for my whole self because that’s what Life is. To take care of yourself before you can even think to take care of another person. We are the most important people to ourselves.

It’s okay to be selfish as long as it is in a Positive way. Stay Kind and Love hard. Remember to Love yourself before you can give Love to anyone else. Dont spread your internal pain toward others because “you” don’t know how to accept it.

Be Beautiful in your entirety, Spread your positive Knowledge. Remember you are most important to you.

Stay Shining