Guilt

Guilty emotions. I have many things I am guilty for. No need to go to far into it for myself. I will tell one story.

As a teen I left my Mom’s place to go and live with a boyfriend. That boy and I were together 24/7. He is 3 or 4 years older than I am. I was 14 turning 15 when we first got together. He was staying under a Little Ceasars pizza shop. Down there he was staying with 2 drug addicts. One female and one male who rented the basement. They allowed my boyfriend at the time to stay there including a few of his friends.

One night, his friend brought back a very sweet woman. She didn’t have a place to go. I was trying to be “cool” around all of these people. I tried to impress them. A woman who was there visiting told me to do something about her or she will do something. She didn’t want to because she just found out that she was pregnant.

I grabbed a hard metal bar to hold onto as a scare tactic to make this sweet woman, go into the bathroom with the friend who brought her. I told her she had to suck his d**k or I was going to beat the F*** out of her.

She agreed, I didn’t have any remorse in that moment. I thought I was so “cool”. They even praised me for being so “Native”.

I do wish I could apologize to her. I felt so Guilty after I realized what I had done. That guilt I have been holding onto my entire life since.

Not one person should ever go through that in any way, shape, or form. How dare I do that to an innocent person. At the time I didn’t know how devious I was acting, to impress people who had no ambition, motivation to be good.

Guilt, I forgive myself for that. I have to forgive myself for being lost. I am so sorry to myself for my behavior. I can accept that guilt in a positive way. If I could apologize to her I would.

I am sorry to the young woman who was put into a very toxic and dangerous environment. I have no control over time or I would go back and save you.

Forgiving myself for that time is and was the hardest. It takes patience to understand. I believe everyone has the strength to be the best them possible.

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