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Fire works booming outside, music is playing. Fan on, window open. Happy thoughts.

My friend came by today, he is a very, very busy man. Single father, so he does all the tasks a Mom and Dad both would be doing.

He told me he likes to write music. More for a Hobbie now. I would like to hear his music sometime. He has a way of explaining things in a way that anyone could understand. Very complex and so, so Wise. Kind Hearted, it is actually so nice to have a friend who understands me.

This goes for Nicole too. I have never met such a smart, realistic, Kind, also Wise Woman. She has the most amazing love story, a sit at the edge of your seat storie. She has a blog as well which is godsfavoritewidow. Her Story is just so Beautiful. Nicole also understands me.

Three people who are curious about the same things. Knowledge of an individual, different aspects but all come to the same result. How can we help ourselves to be a better us. How to express ourselves in healthy ways. Learning to cope with each and every emotion and thought. There is so much information that needs to be announced to the world.

I still have panic attacks and I still struggle to accept and forgive. I have accepted and forgiven myself. I still have some forgiveness and acceptance to give. All in sweet time.

I have struggled with Addiction. Drinking and drugs to cope with thoughts and emotions. Worst idea ever! If anything it made my mental health decline more than what it already was.

My friend said, Forgiveness is a key part in healing. I believe him very much. Nicole has said the same thing. I believe her very much.

When do we start allowing ourselves to accept who we each are as an individual. We are all too good at comparing ourselves to others. I didn’t notice how much I compared myself until he told me that he is trying to stop comparing himself to others. Other people go through the same feelings.

When you don’t Love yourself, how do you expect to Love others?

Guilt

Guilty emotions. I have many things I am guilty for. No need to go to far into it for myself. I will tell one story.

As a teen I left my Mom’s place to go and live with a boyfriend. That boy and I were together 24/7. He is 3 or 4 years older than I am. I was 14 turning 15 when we first got together. He was staying under a Little Ceasars pizza shop. Down there he was staying with 2 drug addicts. One female and one male who rented the basement. They allowed my boyfriend at the time to stay there including a few of his friends.

One night, his friend brought back a very sweet woman. She didn’t have a place to go. I was trying to be “cool” around all of these people. I tried to impress them. A woman who was there visiting told me to do something about her or she will do something. She didn’t want to because she just found out that she was pregnant.

I grabbed a hard metal bar to hold onto as a scare tactic to make this sweet woman, go into the bathroom with the friend who brought her. I told her she had to suck his d**k or I was going to beat the F*** out of her.

She agreed, I didn’t have any remorse in that moment. I thought I was so “cool”. They even praised me for being so “Native”.

I do wish I could apologize to her. I felt so Guilty after I realized what I had done. That guilt I have been holding onto my entire life since.

Not one person should ever go through that in any way, shape, or form. How dare I do that to an innocent person. At the time I didn’t know how devious I was acting, to impress people who had no ambition, motivation to be good.

Guilt, I forgive myself for that. I have to forgive myself for being lost. I am so sorry to myself for my behavior. I can accept that guilt in a positive way. If I could apologize to her I would.

I am sorry to the young woman who was put into a very toxic and dangerous environment. I have no control over time or I would go back and save you.

Forgiving myself for that time is and was the hardest. It takes patience to understand. I believe everyone has the strength to be the best them possible.