Tired

“BOOM”, All of a sudden I get every single emotion in one moment. Anxiety, crying, can’t understand, Irrational, Hostile.

Mainly Irrational and Hostile. Meaning unreasonable, Unfriendly. I just figured it out this morning. I had to think about why I felt so “Crazy”. Not crazy at all, just tired. Our brains I do believe need at least 8 hours of rest.

The night before, I slept so well. I believe almost 10 hours. I can’t recall having a nap. My brain wouldn’t stop, no matter if I ate or smoked weed. Eventually I was so tired of it I cried myself to sleep again. Telling myself that tomorrow is a new day. This will pass.

This morning, I gathered my thoughts and eventually started writing. Figured out I was feeling that way from tiredness. It’s like my brain had enough and said you are gonna cry until you are tired. Thankfully.

I slept about 5 hours, so I need to figure out what is best for me and my health in these situations. I am proud of myself for acknowledging the feelings, emotions, thoughts, learning why I was feeling the way I did.

Stay Shining

Restless

Many nights I have been restless. Could be from walking. I also eat a lot then go to sleep. I don’t like doing that. It is bad to eat before bed, not to mention that’s probably the best way to gain weight.

I am having an extremely tough night. 9:39pm I am feeling so alone. Music playing, tears streaming down my face. I had an Okay day. Just sad today.

Tomorrow is a new day. So hopefully I can get a good sleep.

Staying as Positive as I can.

Stay Shining

Beautiful Day

It is so nice to be able to walk out the house without the Winter gear. Have windows open. The warm breeze and cool breeze.

I went for a long walk this morning. I had my Music on, my bottle of water, my purse around me. I allowed myself to push hard, when I felt I needed to slow down I would. I had control over my breathing. So I was able to walk as hard and fast as I could. It is a really good feeling for me.

Control over my breathing. I missed this feeling very much. I have lost myself throughout the years. I have and Always will stay Kind. No matter the pain I am in. I stopped walking because I am not comfortable with myself.

Today I found it a lot easier to get out the door for my walk. My feet still have blisters on them but I am willing to work through the pain to keep myself Happy. I Love walking and Listening to music.

I was embarrassed yesterday and that threw me right off before bed. I was not clear minded from feeling tired. So I stopped myself from going any further into the negative. Cried myself to sleep. I awoke feeling refreshed.

I accepted my emotions and I did talk about it with my friend. That helped drastically, so this morning I reminded myself that the focus is on me and not other people. I am learning and I know I will fully understand myself and Love myself through it all. I deserve it.

Stay Shining

Putting myself out there

This is probably a hard one to overcome. Today I asked someone if they would want to hang out. I said I would be home all day, then I went for a drive with my Mom. Came back and decided I would stop by the person’s place to see if they still want to have a visit.

Well before my Mom left, I expressed to her that I don’t like feeling anxious. She said just breath. So I did and went to the person’s house. Asked them if they wanted to smoke a joint. They said no I am good for now. Thank you very much but I am busy.

I said ” Oh I am not trying to be creepy or anything”. What in the world, why would I say that? Hahaha Embarrassment. I definitely cried when I got home. I am okay despite them saying no. It was just hard to push myself to go over to ask.

I had to process everything, I started to become negative towards myself. I almost let myself believe, that I am just crazy, no one wants anything to do with me. Maybe they are embarrassed of me or ashamed of me. Who knows.

Positive aspect, I pushed myself out of my comfort zone. That’s a start. Emotions cannot take over my brain. I will accept them as they come and write it all out if I need to.

That’s Strength and Courage right there. I got me, myself, and I. This is what I am trying to Learn. I need to praise myself more. Be kinder to me. Wowza that was a fun one. Not literally. 😅

Stay Shining

Aboriginal

I was born in London, raised on Oneida my home Land. I have always loved everyone around me. Even if I was bullied by anyone, I still was as nice as I could be toward them.

I always thought, why can’t I be mean like everyone else? Why can’t I be a “bad ass”?. Everyone else just seemed so free spirited but the pain that was caused to our people effected how they treat others outside of their own culture.

Yes, I am an Aboriginal but I am as white skinned as a white person. This was hard for me to accept.

I wanted the brown eyes, and beautiful brown skin. Long Dark hair. I wanted to feel apart of my people in whole.

In reality, I will never have any of those attributes as an Aboriginal. I am okay with this because despite how I look doesn’t matter. I Love me, I Love that I am an Aboriginal. I Love all the people who surrounded me growing up, despite the hurt.

Trauma doesn’t just effect certain people. It effects us all. I learned that it was all lies being told to me that I am “Not Good Enough”.

I am a Beautiful White Indiginous person and this is me! I hurt too, we all do but I will not allow any other person in this lifetime to hurt my soul. That shines so bright like the stars in the sky. I am my own Individual and I will always be apart of my roots. No denying that.

I am finding my whole self and I am going to care for my whole self because that’s what Life is. To take care of yourself before you can even think to take care of another person. We are the most important people to ourselves.

It’s okay to be selfish as long as it is in a Positive way. Stay Kind and Love hard. Remember to Love yourself before you can give Love to anyone else. Dont spread your internal pain toward others because “you” don’t know how to accept it.

Be Beautiful in your entirety, Spread your positive Knowledge. Remember you are most important to you.

Stay Shining

From Breaking Down To Breaking Through! 💫

I was so “Lost” all my life. I knew, I was a nice person but I wasn’t “cool”. There were times I gave into peer pressure, I am human too. I wanted to impress others to like me.

It’s exhausting. I don’t like being a stranger to myself. So with the help of two very positive, people in my life. I was able to come out of the dark.

All stars are not the same size. The stars all are different. Humans are all different. Stars all shine bright. Humans can shine bright to, if we all stopped ignoring ourselves. Where is your self love? In order to Love another you must Love yourself. With that, you need to forgive yourself for the past. Forgive others for the past. Knowledge yourself with emotions. What they mean and why you feel that emotion. The deeper you go, the more you know about yourself.

Stay Shining

Risks

The amount of times I have risked everything in myself for other people. It is not a Horrible attribute to have. It can also be a Positive Attribute.

Hmmmm….. I will start with something that has been on my mind. I have facial hair. Oh, how that makes me feel.

I have always put my self image down in every aspect. A Positive thought would pop in my head, “you are beautiful”.

I would immediately switch that thought to I am not as beautiful as other women. I have scars, acne, facial, hair, wrinkles. Not to mention the weight I have put on over the years.

When am I going to be okay with how I look? I have No control over my image. I could do hurtful things to my body. I choose not to because I am what I would consider Beautiful, inside and out.

My facial hair is from having to get Steroid shots to Carry my children full term. It’s not that I have control over my hair on my body that grows.

What I can do is try to eliminate the hair. Plucking is my go to. In my thoughts, Shaving increases hair growth.

The scars on my face is from the acne that I would pick at. I wanted a clear face just like everyone else.

My wrinkles are obviously from getting older. Hahahah Absolutely no control on that either. There is so, so much good in us. We all need to Stop being so hard, mean, disrespectful towards ourselves. Wow that felt good. Hahaha

Stay Shining.

To be alone

I was Absolutely terrified to be alone, walk alone. I could drive no problem by myself. After I had my Breakthrough, I have found myself to be more positive. Positive towards myself that is.

Everyday I would allow my own rude thoughts swarm my mind. I had no clue why. I never could understand why I thought so less of myself. Always praise everyone else except myself.

It has been a very long Journey and my Journey will continue on. See your Journey is your life. From the moment you are conceived to the day you die. Life.

Every single person’s Journey is different, sometimes we have the same interests but our pasts could be very different.

Did you know we all have emotions? Hahaha, of course, we all do. So why do we ignore our own emotions. We don’t want to feel the pain or sorrow. Unfortunately we don’t have a choice but to sit in it. Learn from it and think on toward what you can do to help yourself.

My friend said “Just Do It”. It takes a lot of courage to push through fear. Courage is something we all have. You can do it! You can Love yourself and no one can tell you, you can’t.

Stop fearing that beam inside of you that is aching to be seen. Positive thoughts, I Believe In You!

Stay Shining

Music

Starting Friday May 13, 2022 I have been playing music basically all day. Sometimes when I sleep. So soothing. I can relate to every song that plays or I remember a memory. I can feel the music.

Have you ever heard of that to “feel the music” not physically but emotionally. Happy, sad, angry, confused. If you pay attention closely music can be so healing.

Me personally, I don’t feel alone. I love music, dancing, singing. It is healing. My new addictions are writing and listening to music. There are so many healthy coping skills that you can do for yourself. It is finding what works best for you. In my opinion.

It could be anything. Playing an instrument, drawing, singing, dancing, walking, gardening, pottery, golf, hockey, soccer. Whatever it is that makes you feel free. For Myself, Music is a huge healing and coping skill. “Music feeds the soul”

Stay Shining

Separation Anxiety

I have always thought I was overly obsessive. If I sent someone a text and they didn’t respond right away, I get upset. Then I would say things that I didn’t mean to say. I get angry.

I get sad when people make plans and don’t follow through. I have put in my head that the people I want, don’t want me. Panic and anxiety. Fear and sadness. A state of depression.

I am not obsessive. I am worried you will leave my side. So to speak.

Separation anxiety makes relationships a bit tricky. I noticed I push hard to be noticed by someone. Once I get noticed, all I want to do is communicate with that said person. What I didn’t know, I get attached fast and easy. If my standards are not met I push away.

I have set my standards very high for people. Emotionally for the most part. It took me a bit to understand that “Life doesn’t revolve around me”. You know what revolves around me, is myself. Hahaha. Truly that’s my thoughts. I have always relied on everyone else to tell me what I should be doing. I would get upset if it was the truth. Ignoring people for being right. That’s what happens when you don’t know who you are. It happens when you don’t have self-Love.

Like my friend said “stop comparing yourself to others”. Dont rely on others to make you Happy. It is difficult at times, you can refocus yourself on you. You know why, because I believe in you.

Stay Shining