As I drink, I feel myself slipping into a negative state of mind. I start thinking about the past and feel terrible just thinking about it all. This is why doctors say not to drink alcohol. It is a depressor. I am alone and getting stuck in my head.

I don’t have many friends and the ones I do have are more of my sisters friends than mine. Amazing people of course but I must just be that crazy/wierd to have my own friends. Again I have been drinking, so I start overthinking. I shouldn’t be alone, yet here I am sitting by myself and drinking my feelings.

I have so much on my mind and it is always on my mind. Everything and everyone. I keep thinking I have destroyed peoples lives. So I avoid things and people.

I know I have the strength to stop drinking because I have done it before. I just have to many excuses to quit at the moment. Thats my blurb for tonight.

Stay Shining

I have been coping with drinking lately. I definetly do believe I am an alcoholic. There are many people like myself who use this remedy to overcome some emotions. I am obviously one of those people. I have poured myself two double shots of Crown Royal and thats within an hour.

I know that drinking isn’t going to help me overcome some of the issues I have. It is the hard moments that get me. I crave alcohol now and I never used to. I never really drank much in my life. Ever since Covid hit in 2019 I have been drinking more and more.

I know this won’t solve anything but it will put a band aid on it until I am ready to face it sober. It’s hard to explain, my battle with my mind. I am not drinking everyday now that I don’t have my friend from the psych ward around.

I am at my sisters today and I know she doesn’t want alcohol in her home. I did ask permission to drink today. She hesitantly said okay. My sister is on a break from drinking. I am so proud of her. She is one hard working Mother.

I know I can overcome this but right now I have way to many excuses for my drinking. It is not the right thing to do but unfortunately I am not ready to stop fully. I was told that it takes time. Well everything takes time but I have to put in the effort before I can heal the wounds I have.

I do talk to councelors and I am always honest. I don’t want to pretend everything is okay when it isn’t. I hate alcohol but yet I love it too. One day at a time.

Stay Shining

I don’t know what to write about. I could write about anything and I am hesitating. I could talk about how I met someone in the psychiatric ward. How we tried to start a relationship once we both were out of the hospital. Not that it is a terrible thing to meet someone in the psychiatric ward.

It was just walking and talking at first. Him and I would walk around the ward together and try to sneak kisses in when we could. All the nurses knew but never said anything.

On Christmas Day I got a card from him. I thought it was the sweetest thing ever. He even wrote me two notes while in the hospital. The sweetest notes I have ever read. He made me happy.

I remember on New years eve I awoke right at 12:01am. I jumped out of my bed and went running to my friends room to give him a kiss and say Happy New Year. As I was leaving two nurses were walking in the room. We were not allowed to enter each others rooms. I quickly said to them, “I just wanted to tell him Happy New Year”.

I then said Happy New Year to the two nurses and scurried back to my room. I went right to sleep after that, I was also kind of scared when I went into his room. Knowing that we are not supposed to go into anyone elses rooms.

It was worth it because it made him happy.

He would make me a dessert from whatever sweet treats we could get from the hospital. All of them were so delicious, probably why I gained some weight.

I am thankful to have met this man. He treated me so special. Everything turned though. We began drinking together and it became an everyday thing for a week or more. The last night he was at my place, he got so drunk that he fell back at the top of the stairs. He hit his head pretty hard.

I was worried about him so I called my sister and asked her what to do. She guided me by telling me to get him into bed. So I did, I finally got him to bed after about 5 to 10 minutes of trying.

In the morning he left. I was upset because the night before he kept pushing me back telling me to “just lay down”. He kept doing it after I asked him to stop. I finally raised my voice at him. I told him to Stop pushing me back. After that he went downstairs upset that I yelled at him and drank a half of a bottle of Crown royal within 5 min.

I am happy that he is okay and that I am okay as well. The scenario’s that were running through my sisters mind as well as mine. I fear that it could have been worse. I am thankful we both are safe. I do talk to him a little but not much anymore. He needs to focus on himself and I need to focus on myself.

I thought this man was going to be my lifelong partner before things turned sour. He did make me happy but I have learned my lesson from past relationships to protect myself from harm. Not saying he was purposely hurting me. It was still wrong.

I do hope he gets the help he needs as I am getting the help I need to, it just doesn’t involve him. I know he understands. At least I hope he understands that we both are to messed up people that cannot be together romantically.

Stay Shining

I was at my sisters home and I asked my Mom to drop me off. So she did, I forgot to grab my phone off the counter before I left. So now I don’t have any way to contact help if I need it. I have no way of contacting my sister or my mom. I guess I am just meant to have no phone for the night. No distraction in whatever I choose to do while I am here at home.

Now I am starting to wonder if I just put my phone in my coat pocket. Either way I am to lazy to go and check in these moments.

I have been feeling sick to my stomach ever since I ate a burger and french fries at my sisters for dinner. I possibly did eat way to much today in general. I have been in that mood to just eat and eat. It’s almost out of control, or is completely out of control.

I was thinking last week, what if I am pregnant?. Even though I just got my IUD placed in. These are the worry’s that I have been having since after I had my oldest child. So, me thinking something is wrong goes to the extreme at times.

Just like having the fear that I am pregnant when they did a test at the doctors, the day I got the IUD placed.

It is the 20th of February, 2023. I awoke and wanted to drink almost instantaniously. I keep thinking about having drinks with my sister. Even though my sister has been sober for some time now. I know she isn’t drinking right now so I don’t understand why I immediately thought about having drinks with her.

I stayed at home last night, well you already know this because I wrote about it. Hahahaha….. anyways, Yesterday I also went to my Sister from another mr’s Shiny Tea Party of Doom. I had fun, I gave her a small donation to put back toward her savings. She had to take her dog to the vet and it cost her almost 300 dollars.

While at my sister from another mr’s party, She showed me a necklace that she had made and it has a wish in it. You know when the dandelions turn to wishes. I asked her to hold on to it for me. It was the only one she had. So I am looking forward to that buy.

I do want to buy a heart necklace for each of my children as well. I think it would be a nice small gift to give them, when I see them again.

I am unsure what I am going to be doing today but I am thankful to have woken up in a better mood than most days.

Stay Shining

I want to say I am sorry for the pain I caused you and the family. I was very disrespectful. I was so young, not that it is an excuse.

I remember you letting me drive you car so that I could get more learning.

I remember you having me over to the house and I would spend the night.

I remember you trying to be a father to not one but two children. One being a teen and the other just a child.

I now know how hard it is to take care of children, my own children. I made some mistakes and made the decision to give my ex full custody of the children. I see them once a week. I am trying so hard to do everything I can to stay in a healthy mental state. I want to do better for my children. I fight hard everyday.

I want to say thank you for the times that we did get a chance to be with the family.

I talk to Grandma and she said that she was thankful for you to drive her to her appointments. I am sure you do more than that to help her. I am proud of you for stepping up to help take care of Grandma. She loves you very much.

I hope that you do read this and know that, you did your best to teach me and care for me. Thank you for the times you were in my life. I do hope one day to reconnect. Know that you are a good dad.

Love: your daughter Aulyvia Williams

Stay Shining

There was a time I thought that there was always a “happy ever after”. You know finding someone and love strikes. At least I thought I had that. I thought I had that more than a few times. When the first relationship turned bad I was in search for the next, because the next would be “the one” in my mind.

Turns out it doesn’t work like that, at least not for me. I put so much effort into those relationships and ended up crying in my bed for days or drinking the pain away. I have made many stupid decisions during those heart break days.

I would go on dating sites to see if I could find “the one”. I have heard some people found their love that way. So I tried it. Wouldn’t you know it, it was just men who wanted a one night stand. Or an ongoing “Sneaky link” as they call it now.

I honestly never thought I would be such a gullable woman for as long as I was. I needed to start believing more in myself than others. I am not going to lie, I still wonder if there is someone out there for me. Someone who is my forever.

The only problem is I get so focused on finding someone else to love me, instead of me loving myself. It is a lifelong love that I need to find for myself, in myself. How do I do this? I have never been taught to love myself. I was taught to love and respect others.

I still long for love even though I just said I need to learn to love myself. I wonder if every person on this planet is like that?. You know, wants to find love but doesn’t know how to love themselves. I still have hope that one day I will find that love, but in order to find that love I think I do need to find the love for myself first.

So thats my thoughts on this whole love situation I seem to be stuck in. Wanting love so bad but needing to find it in myself.

Stay Shining

What a journey it has been. I am talking emotionally and physically. I started drinking again and I would feel like crap afterward because it made me feel like I failed. I was doing so good. I should say I made a mistake and I am not going to let that stop me from getting better.

On the tenth of February,2023 is when it started. I was so distraught because of the thought of my baby boy Nathaniel. I drank for three days and took a one day break. Last night I drank once again. I am not going to hate myself for this but I am dissapointed in myself.

To some people they think, “so what you drank”. Others who have been through what I am going through will understand. I noticed that through the hard moments I am always in search of something to take away the hardness of it. Whether it be drinking, smoking, binge eating, marijuana.

I know there are much more healthier ways to cope with those hard moments. It’s walking, writing, singing, having a bath, go to the salon if I can afford it, a big one is surrounding myself with family. I will be seeing an alcohol and addictions counselor this week. I am hoping that they will be able to give me some more tips and tricks to cope with the hard moments.

Well thats all I gotta say for this blog.

Stay Shining

As the day gets closer to the death of my unborn son, I find myself stuck in a deep depression. I am trying not to be so hard on myself but it is uncontrolable in these hard moments leading up to the death date.

I have so much amazing people who surround me. My best friend being one of them. I am struggling in these moments and my best friend is dropping everything that he has to do, to come and support me.

I don’t want to be in pain anymore but I am not giving up. I know in time I will be okay. Just the moments of grief are hard. I don’t know that I have allowed myself to grieve. I am just taking it day by day.

My son, I love you more than words can express. Baby Nathaniel I will never forget you. I am so sorry mommy wasn’t better. I love you Nathaniel, forever and always. Love, mommy

Stay Shining

I have always wondered why my mental health has been such a struggle. I am sure a lot of people are going through the same thing I am. It is hard to explain the thoughts that run through this brain of mine. Some days are harder than others.

Today I find myself feeling guilty for a lot of things I have put myself through. I ended up in the hospital last year 2022. It wasn’t that long ago that I was discharged. I had a lot of medication changes. I did meet others who are struggling in a different way. Some the same and others were different.

I did feel safe while I was in the hospital because I couldn’t harm myself. Not that I harm myself now but, coming back to reality was a big transition and I am still working through it. I am proud of myself for reaching out but I am also still wondering why, or how this had happened in the first place.

There was one good thing that happened at the hospital. I met my Best Friend. Him and I walked with each other and talked about a lot. We still get together to this day and hang out. He has been one of my biggest supports the entire time I was in the hospital and out. We talk about everything. Super honest conversations.

I honestly don’t know where or what I would be doing if I didn’t have my best friend. It is almost like we go through the exact same thing. His struggle is a bit more than mine and I wish I could take that pain and suffering from him.

Such an Amazing man and I have him in my life. I am thankful for him and I truly do believe we were meant to meet. Not the greatest way to meet such an Amazing person. It was meant to be. I am thankful for having him as my best friend.

I get to see my children every Saturday and today is another day I get to spend some time with them. This is also what helps me to stay strong. My babies that are not babies anymore. I know one day I will see them more than just once a week. It is hard to be completely honest. I am staying positive, I am going to see my children more as I progress in my healing.

My children are apart of me and mean the most to me. I am sure that is how it is with most parents. Maybe there is also someone going through the exact same thing I am going through, when it comes to the children. I am trying to stay positive and I know I will have hard days. I have already had a few of them. At the end of the day I am a Strong woman and I will always fight throught the hard days.

Stay Shining

I want to be free from this anxiety. Today is Wednesday, October 26, 2022. I slept all afternoon yesterday. Missed my AA meeting because I awoke, took my medication, then went back to sleep until close to 6am this morning. Anxiety was there as soon as I awoke. I don’t know exactly what to do.

I am happy because I get to visit my children today but I am also worried that my state of mind won’t be better even though I truly do hope it will be. I am so stuck in my past and I remember never feeling this anxious all the time when I had my children in my care.

I have been staying at my sisters again because I don’t really know what else to do. My nephew has been amazing and rooting me on. He actually gets me to eat when I don’t feel hungry. I don’t want to live like this. This is not how life is supposed to be in my eyes. I once was happy and now I dread even waking up. Thats hard to say.

I have been through depression most of my life but now is so different because it is way more intense than it has ever been. I do try to reach out but sometimes it doesn’t help me any. I think I should go to the hospital but then I will be stuck in a room again. I just want to be free from this misery but apart of it I blame on myself for allowing things to get so bad. Even though it isn’t my fault it is my brain.

I just feel so alone even with people around and so this morning I decided to write because I don’t know what else to do. I miss the old brain and I am having a hard time with the new brain of mine. So to this I just want to be free.

Stay Shining